All in.

I LOVE to write.

 I actually need to do it to process. When stuff gets messy it's the thing that I know for sure will unclutter my brain and bring clarity to whatever is happening. 

But I struggle to write most of the time. 

I do not do it often. 

I'm distracted from it. 

I'm frustrated by it. 

It's not that I avoid the writing itself, Its more of me avoiding the places it comes from. 

The dark places in me. 

The confusion that turns into more clarity with every word I type. 

The fears that loose their power the second I lay them down upon the page. 

The pain that cannot be healed unless it's poured out before Him. 

It's the bravest thing I do because I am putting my heart all over the page as I write. 

What's even more crazy is that I let people read it! 

So I read something today that we are doing as a creative team. 

100 days of being creative. 

Like actually actively creating something or exercising our creativity daily. 

For me, that's writing.... Every... Single... Day. 

I hardly get it together to blog once a month, which is funny because I am writing a blog right now about struggling to write a blog. 

I have at least 5 different half written pieces and even more thoughts about writing pieces. 

As scary as it is, it's also so simple... 

The more you create to more creative you get. 

So I'm in. 

I'm not gonna share everything I write but I am going to write and when I am struggling to write I'm gonna write about that. 

When I thing everything I write is crap, well I'll write about that. 

So I am all in. 

The 100 day creative challenge. 

For what it's worth.

Nobody really talks about the gradualness of grief. I'm not even sure I should call it that really. 

They say that's what it is that you experience when you do short term foster care and your children move on. I always thought not, surely that's not what it's like. It completely is. 

I handle the more ripping off a bandaid kind of pain, like intense pain all at once and then it's over. This is not like that at all. 

It's more like layers of it, not so much that I can even see it or notice it myself until it's right there in my face urging me to actually feel it. To be honest a lot of the time I do not have time for it, which in my brain translates (probably badly) to the fact the people in my world do not really have a heap of time for me to be in this moment that hasn't happen in a set time frame. I live a busy life and I purposefully got busy right after they left purely as a distraction, well I actually I fell ill right after, then I got busy. In my thinking also, it's always busy, far to busy to actually stop and feel it. So it's more like drops that slowly fill up until I find a place to pour it out. 

And I'm sorry for all the metaphors and word plays, I'm not making it try to sound pretty... Ok well maybe I am just cos it's slightly better then being just black and white about it all. 

So there are layers and they are still happening and maybe God created me specifically like that for a reason. 

I'd rather not.

But I guess He knows what He is doing with is all. 

There are moments of remembering something and then feeling like it's going to happen again, but realising it's not. 

Moments of feeling like I'm ready to have them back now and knowing I can't and kind of being ok with it still even though it hurts. 

That moment when you realise they are never coming back that's scarily similar to when someone you love passes away. 

It's funny how it feels the same even though it's not the same thing. 

It's really just still being completely at peace with it, trusting God with it, knowing you did all you were called to do in those moments and grieving for those moments all at the same time. 

To think this is only the first time I have ever done it and that I'm going to do it all over again. 

So totally worth it! 

It's been a long time.

So.... it's been a long time.

I know I meant to write a blog post my babies leaving and I'm gonna get to it soon. There are a lot of emotions for me to put into words and I have not really a lot of breathing space to do that just yet. I tend to be either feeling not a whole lot about it or feeling everything at once so it's a working progress at the moment. I know that I miss them like crazy and a whole lot more then I expected I would, but I feel peace about the part I played. 

Plus there has been a whole lot happening, I've been working like crazy and have a brand new nephew to cuddle plus a friend who had a baby at the same time, plus DW on tour so I've been hanging with Miz a whole heap.. 

But I'm writing a blog now so... 

I've been thinking about the prodigal son a lot and to be hundred percent honest it's taken a long time to swallow my pride and write about it because I kind of related to him a lot lately because it has actually been a long time, since I just sat with Jesus, since I wrote about Him, since I even read my bible. I don't mean like a week I mean it's actually probably been months since I did and do I go thinking about whether this son ever just missed his Dad while he was away. 

I got thinking about that fathers reaction when his son came back out of need, because he wanted his provision and not even as his son but as his servant. 

You know those friends you have in your world who are kind of hard work sometimes, the ones you have to be the one to make the effort with 90% of the time. The ones you sometimes don't hear from for a while and then hear from when they need your help, so you of course do because that's what mates do. 

I just wonder if it was kind of like that with the prodigal son, I mean, he came back because he needed something right? 

What I Love though is how the father reacted to him. 

The same way He does with me when I do what I have done and just do not make him a priority in my personal life, cos I've been to church almost every week the same as I always do. I was sick so I missed a few but I was physically present. 

At home though I was just like him. Just away doing my own thing, missing having time to just sit but not actually making the time for it. 

My own fault really. 

When I actually sat down and did that though, He just did as He always does, listened to me and spoke just like He would have if it was a few months ago. 

So it's been a long time and sometimes I'm just like that son or that friend that's just gone until they are not. 

In the end it's still all good with Him and I. 

Blog about babies will be coming soon. 

Living in the grateful.

I was grateful when she woke me up this morning. 

Grateful when he called out "Mum" from his bedroom. 

Thankful that for now that's still who I am. 

At the moment in thankfulness is where I am. 

Because people have asked how I'm doing, people have asked how I am and how I feel or how I will feel when they are no longer mine. 

All questions I tend to avoid answering. 

Truth is I don't really know about that yet. 

What I know is the now. 

And for now, I'm grateful. 

Grateful that I got her first word, her first clap, first wave. 

Grateful to witness her first crawl...almost- Thanks Rach ;) 

Grateful that I taught him "I Love you" and that now he says it back. 

Grateful that she took her first steps in my kitchen. 

Grateful that they were loved by my entire world. 

Grateful that I took him to his first day of daycare, got him his first scooter and took him to his first zoo and aquarium trip. 

Grateful for all the memories, all the photo's and all the funny stories that are mine to keep. 

That's where i am right now. 

And the tears and sadness will come later.

I will miss them and I will wish they were here. 

I will grieve for his first day of school and her first time riding a bike. 

But even then I will remain thankful for the time I had with them. 

So very grateful that for that season I got to be there Mum. 

Worry or meditate?

I'm a worrier. 

There's no way I can deny it or get around it. 

I just think a lot and I have about 5 different tapes on replay in my head at any given time. 

This also means I am a good meditator. 

The word says to do that, it's good for you. 

In psalm 119 David says he meditate on Gods name. 

Can you imagine that? 

Just thinking about his name over and over again? 

In Philippians 4:8- it says to think and meditate on things that are good and noble. 

And there are so many more. 

Imagine how good our soul will feel if we did that? 

So I've been doing something lately. 

Whilst worrying about really anything God will always drop a word into the mix. 

I am working on going to the word before I talk it out or let it take over my thinking too much. 

So it will be the simplest word, might be a story from his word, something someone said (which I hated hearing at the time) or my Favorite is just a single word. 

Then because I am such an awesome worrier/meditator I think about it over and over and over again. 

Like the story of the prodigal son which I am still attempting to write about. 

So really we have a clear choice, We can worry and think about things over and over... Or we can work on filling our brains with so much of his Word that it's on a constant loop our head. 

So far it's working pretty well for me  :) 

Have a good day! 

Victory

I don't want to get all technical or anything but the dictionary says this about victory. (I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to definitions) 

-a successful ending of a struggle or contest. 

Further more the bible also has a lot to say about it. 

Well one thing in particular. 

It says that we have it. 

One of my Favorites is 

1 Corinthians 15:58 

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in The Lord"

So because we already have victory it means a few things

1. We don't have to strive for it. 

2. We must be steadfast and immovable. 

3. We can completely give ourselves over to the work of The Lord and when we do that all our work is not in vain. 

It's funny how I can know this but feel the complete opposite. 

I know He has already Won but can get caught up feeling defeated. 

It never says it's going to feel like victory all the time, it just says it is. 

The victory is being immovable even though you feel like moving. 

The victory is coming to church even though it would be so much easier to stay home. 

Going back to the word daily. 

The victory might be that your still here and present even if your holding on to God by a small thread. 

Truth is your holding on and even if you let go He has a strong grip on you. 

The victory is that your still speaking life, still giving him everything, still encouraging others. 

The victory is that you didn't run even when you really wanted to. 

The victory is that you stayed even when it hurt. 

The victory is in the moments you do what needs to be done regardless of how hard or impossible it seems. 

The victory is in the moments you have literally nothing to fix or change your situation other then to trust God. 

The victory is in asking for help, admitting that you don't know and aren't infact perfect. 

So even if it does not feel in the slightest like it. 

We have already Won. 

The simple.

His servants approached and said to him, “O master, if the prophet had told you to do some difficult task, you would have been willing to do it. It seems you should be happy that he simply said, “Wash and you will be healed.” (2 Kings 5:13 NET)

Don't we do this all the time? 

Neglect to listen to the simple because it seems just that, simple. 

We assume that because God is so big and powerful and extravagant that he is also complicated and difficult when he is actually not. 

It says this man was a commander, that he was esteemed and respected by his master because he had led them to great victory. 

So he was kinda important, he had a lot going for him and so I guess he had a pretty great life. 

Except for this one thing, he had a skin disease. 

When he eventually meets with the prophet to be healed and he asks him to do something simple in order to be healed, he's mad. 

He's mad because it seems to simple. 

He's mad cos it's not extravagant enough. 

He's probably annoyed that it requires effort and to be honest looks a little dumb. 

I mean God could just heal him like that. 

Isn't that a picture of what we sometimes do? 

Overlook the simple things God is asking of us in favor of the complicated stuff. 

We complicate everything because if God is big then everything else should be. 

But isn't God in the small also? 

Does he not take care of the sparrow as well as the lion? 

Does He not care for the wild flowers the same He does with us? 

Some of my biggest wins have come from obeying God in the simple small tasks.

Some of my greatest friendships came from listening to his voice when he tells me to go out of my way, asking me to do the small things that might not even seem like they make a difference. 

In the same way some of my greatest mistakes happened because I ignored the whisper and got caught up in the loud. 

I am the most guilty of complicating his voice, of making what he says an essay when it was just a sentence or even just a word. 

My mind can take the simple and scribble it into a complicated mess, when if I really think about it, it's not. 

God word is clear and when you think about it he is actually so beautifully simple. 

The raw truth of the matter.

We had Annie Garrett recently come and speak at a team night, she was real and honest and spoke out of a struggle she had faced. 

I feel like it's season where people are just being raw and vulnerable, something that usually I avoid. 

It's been the best thing for me because it's allowing me to let God do some stuff he could not do otherwise. 

Pretty much everything she said was spot on and completely in season for what I was going through. 

She spoke about not giving up, she spoke about being aware of what was happening and about using your weapons. It was all so relevant and I literally hung on every word.  

One line in particular stuck out to me. 

"Just refuse to move from the place that God has put you" 

One of those moments where you hear what you need to hear in the exact right moment. 

After feeling like an intense attack of the enemy was happening in my world on every side. 

I had not long become a foster Mum to two beautiful children, I was expecting one baby and had planned for one baby but God apparently doesn't work that way. 

So I was blessed to be caring for two, not an easy task and to be honest I had never felt more out of my depth. 

I just stepped into my calling and all of a sudden felt like I could not do it, thing is everything thought I could. 

A couple of weeks in I started getting sick and then I kept getting sick. I was so stressed and run down that I could not properly recover. 

I finally went to the doctor to be told the stress was causing my body to become run down and get sick easily. 

She also said that I had an option to just give them back in order to recover properly, basically to give up. 

I knew that was not what God wanted me to do so I kept going. 

Thing is I got sicker, the kind of sick that scares you because you start to thing think it might be serious, the kind of sick they tell you won't go away. 

I did not have time to be that kind of sick. 

I reacted badly to the medication she gave me and the tests just led to more tests. 

I do not have time for tests. 

I so wanted to do this well but I didn't want to do it like this. 

I got more and more afraid because this is all I wanted, all I have ever loved doing and all I prayed about for so long and now I hated it. 

Not because of the fact that I didn't actually like it or enjoy it anymore, but because it was so hard, like exhaustingly hard, harder then I know it should be. 

Because deep down I did not think I was good enough, I had the strongest feelings of doubt and of not being good enough. 

How could I not do what God had called me to do? 

How could I hate this? 

Maybe I heard him wrong. 

Maybe I am not right for this. 

So much so that I did not go to the Mother's Day service because I didn't feel like I deserved being celebrated as a Mother. 

I wasn't even a "real" one. 

I could not bear to be told how inspirational I was, or how I was changing these kids lives or what an awesome job I was doing when I felt so far from those things. 

Basically just feeling like I was living a lie just to keep everyone else happy. 

Because when everyone thinks you are something you just be that rather then disappointing anyone. 

The minute Annie started speaking this message I knew few things. 

1. That this would end- nothing lasts forever even when you feel like it will. 

It's a season that I can and will last out and it's for a reason. 

It's not forever. 

In the middle of it it's so easy to be like "I'm not going to do what you've asked me to do if it's going to be like this God" or is it just me that has felt like that? 

2. Staying is always worth it- 

Sometimes it's the hardest thing. 

But regardless of how hard it got, everything pulled me back to that one conviction. 

I will always end up back at his feet.

It is never going to work another way and I don't want it to. 

3. If he is attacking, you must be doing something right- 

It's just funny, not in an actually funny way more in a frustrating way that the second I got exactly what I wanted everything started to go wrong. 

Annie also said another thing that stuck out 

"Whenever there is a fight, there is a victory on the other side" 

It became just that, I constant fight to stay on course. 

A fight to arrest my thoughts before they consumed me. 

A fight to do what I know I needed to do even when it wasn't what I wanted to do. 

Of course it did because I am exactly where I need to be and there was no way it was ever going to always be easy, but it was always going to be more then worth it. 

Fight like hell.

"All things are difficult before they are easy" - Thomas Fuller 

Read this today and while it didn't make it ok that this is so much harder then it probably should be, it made more sense. 

You know for sure that your living in the breakthrough when you have to fight like hell to stay there. 

I knew for the longest time what I was called to do, I prayed and believed for it for years and years. Then I had to work for it, I worked harder then I have ever worked for anything else. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. 

I had no idea how many curve balls would come from every side while I tried to focus my everything on these two precious lives that have been placed in mine. 

Had no idea how hard it was to recover from illness when you had no time to actually rest. 

Had no idea how many buttons and sore spots a two year old could push, or how many bruises they could give you for that matter, Yes I mean actually bruises. 

I had no idea how badly my body would react to stress. 

How many people would tell me I could give up, and I could. 

But I will not. 

I've had this conviction for a while now, it's the hardest one to keep yet. 

It's the conviction to stay. 

Sounds easy but it's been the hardest thing for me in this season. 

To not give up, to not throw everything away because everything is so incredibly hard. 

It's the first thing the enemy would want us to do. 

To admit you can't and give in. 

Sometimes it's the first thing that whispers in my ear before I really listen and hear His voice. 

I Hate that. 

But I will not listen to it. 

Tell me to run, tell me it's not worth it, tell me I can not and I should not but I'll still be fighting for the same thing. 

Because it's worth it, because they are worth it and because He is worth it. 

I faught to get here and I will fight like hell to stay. 

At his feet again.

 I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” (John 16:32-33 MSG)

You very quickly realize that everything is movable, everything around us is changing constantly, nothing actually lasts even though we bank on them lasting. 

It's so easy to be shaken, to feel like we will just trip and fall. 

When that happens we are going to reach out and grab the first thing that we can reach. 

We will not have time to think about what the best thing to grab is, we will not first consider what is strongest, what will last the longest or what will not hurt us if we hold onto it. 

If you were to trip in the street, you would instinctively reach for whatever is there, if that was a bin you get dirty. 

If it was a thorn bush you would get pricked. 

If that was a person, they might catch you but you might take them down with you. 

It seems to me that it's the same concept with our life. 

If you feel unstable, unsure, shaken or confused, your going to reach out to whatever is closest to you before you fall flat on your face. 

If what you grab onto is also unstable, you will still fall on your face. 

You can grab onto your own understanding and lean on what you think you know, it will only hold you for so long and the bible tells us not to lean on that. 

You can cling to your old ways, what used to work before, sometimes this is a default when we don't know what else to do, like when the disciples went back to fishing when Jesus left because that's what they knew before him. 

You can lean on others, might work if there faith is stronger then your own but it's not lasting. 

Thing is you will grab whatever is closest to you. 

Whatever you sow yourself into, whatever you depend on now is what you will grab when your at your end. 

Let's just make sure that's Jesus. 

I love singing the words "find me here at your feet again" 

It's been my declaration through this insanely unstable season. 

When I realized my calling is smack bang in the middle of everything changing all at once, almost never knowing what's going on and not having a whole lot of control of the outcome, everything that sends me into a downward spiral usually is now my life. 

When I have felt like everything around me is pulling me all at once. 

When I have felt at the end of my rope. 

When I'm actually just tired. 

I know regardless of all that where I will be found time and time again. 

I know regardless who is the unshakable one that I can grab at any moment. 

Who is holding me up. 

Who is closest to me and who is not going anywhere or changing and who knows exactly what's going on. 

That's that's where I will be, at his feet again. 

You'll find him in surrender.

You'll find him in surrender. 

I've had these words in my spirit for a month now. 

Almost constantly whispering and reminding me. 

No idea what they meant. 

I mean, I obviously know what they basically mean for my life and for yours. 

Of course that's where we find him. 

When we cast of own self aside that's where he comes the strongest. 

One of my favorite things to hear is someone tell me that they have to do something that they feel like they cannot do. 

My friend is a worship leader and when she tells me she has to lead a song that she feels is beyond her skill set I am a little pumped to be honest, because time after time when these are the times that God completely takes over. 

I am so sure that one of God's favorite things to hear is "I cannot to this without you" 

I kid you not it has been my prayer every single morning for the last few months. 

I don't just mean that I have spoken or written to word. 

I mean I have so desperately felt them as I spoke them, I have no idea how I would do this apart from him. 

My own ways and my own understanding does not work, believe me I have tried it. 

I like to have things and do things I certain way. 

I like certainty and I like things to be predictable. 

If we have planned something and you change it at the last minute or bail on it, that has potential to really shake me. 

I have to really really think about how it's actually not a big deal at all in order to move past it quickly. 

I am the same with God, If I have a "plan" in my head that I think will work and he wants me to lay that aside and trust him. 

I struggle with that. 

I struggle to surrender. 

Thing is every single time I have, that's where I have found him. 

He is not in my plans or in my will. 

I am in His. 

The word actually means to relinquish possession or control over.

When I place everything in his hands, every thought, every feeling and every actions that's where he is found. 

So it makes so much sense now. 

You'll find him in surrender. 

Without fail, every single time. 

Fearless.

I ordered a giving key today. 

It's something I'd been thinking about doing since I heard about them. 

Basically they give hope to homeless people by employing them and the keys have words on them. 

They are messages and you wear it until you find someone who needs the message more then you, then you give it to them or you get one for someone. 

I know who mine will go to, I knew it before I chose the word. I had this person on my heart for while now soo was looking for a word that applies to them, I just had no idea that the word would apply to me first. 

I looked through all the words and then looked through them again. 

I kid you not I had to catch my breath when I read the word "fearless" because if there is anything I want to be in this season it's this. 

fearless - invulnerable to fear or intimidation

If I am completely honest I often feel anything but that. 

Anxiety is terrifying, it consumes every thought and every feeling. 

Your just terrified about nothing. 

Terrified when it comes that it won't go away ever. 

Terrified of what people will think or say about it. 

Having to keep doing stuff to get it out. 

I mean sometimes it's helpful when I have cleaned my entire house or only need like 3 hours sleep. 

Mostly it's just there until it exhausts you. 

It doesn't have logic or reason behind it. 

It lies and even though you know it lies sometimes it's still there. 

I cannot remember a time in my adult life where I have not had to deal with anxiety on some level. 

I've spoken to a doctor who explains it as something to do with too much adrenaline and my body sending mixed fear signals when they are not needed, either way it sucks. 

My sister said something the other day about "Your anxiety" and I had to stop her, because it's not mine, I don't want it and so I will not call it mine. 

She laughed.. Which is ok.. I think she doesn't get it. 

I'm not even sure if that's the right attitude to have but at the moment it's mine. 

Cos I'm done with this. 

I'm choosing fearless instead. 

The bible talks about it constantly. 

Jesus says "do not fear" and I have read that more times then I can count, I have read it over and over again. 

I'm choosing fearless above the tightness in my chest that sometimes makes it hard to catch my breath. 

I'm choosing fearless above thinking I'm not doing this right or that someone could do it better. 

I'm choosing fearless above worry. 

I'm choosing fearless above my million miles and hour brain that never stops.

The one who will wear it around their neck is already fearless. 

I'm not even sure they know it yet. 

I guess in a few weeks we will know.

Living in the definite.

definite - known for certain

I love how definite the bible is. 

It never says God felt like saving us on that day or he might heal you. 

It's never based on feelings or circumstances or the weather. 

It is sure. 

It is certain. 

It is definite. 

I've been reading Psalm 91 lately often just reading a single word over and over again. It's filled with statements like: I will, He will,and He is, there is not a lot of room for argument there. 

In our day to day life not a lot is certain. 

Everything changes. 

At any second our life could completely be flipped on it's head. 

Our relationships change. 

Our job changes. 

Our health changes. 

Our moods. 

And without even thinking we are reliant on those things.

So when they do change we go to God and find He is still the same all along. 

Everything is subject to change. 

Except God. 

So when everything is changing and moving around me I want be reliant of the one who doesn't. 

Verses like: 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Psalm 91:1-5, 9, 11, 14-15 NIV)

I don't want to live in the uncertainty of life. 

I want to base my life on verses like this. 

I want to Live in the definite. 

In the unchanging promises of God. 

Moments of Love.

I don't why it took so long for me to Love them. 

I mean to actually enjoy them and their little personalities and quirks. 

I watch everyone else around me fall for them in an instant, gush over them and kiss them endlessly, as they should have. 

Meanwhile I had to keep reminded myself that they needed more then anything to be held. 

It didn't come naturally to me. 

Two months in and they felt somewhat like strangers. 

Maybe it's because I knew it would only be a short time. 

Too afraid to get too attached, I thought it would be so hard to let go. 

Everyone kept saying how much they'd missed them when they moved on. 

I honestly felt ok about it. 

I was so focused on doing it "right" and getting it all done that I forgot to just breathe and enjoy the moments as they happen. 

So taken back by every decision needing to be the right one lest I cause them more damage. 

Overwhelmed still by how fragile the situation was and how at any moment it could change. 

Basically my Job was not to screw them up and I still wondered how I was allowed to be the one with their lives in my hands.. 

Then moments like the ones pictures here happened. 

Their faces lit up. 

They laughed. 

They got upset when they couldn't see me. 

Moments that made me want to hold them forever.

Just a subtle reminder that my place in their lives is far greater then just feeding and clothing them. 

Far far above that is loving them with an unconditional love, and making sure they know it. 

It's creating memories that hopefully they will remember. 

Suddenly the weight seems a whole lot lighter. 

Suddenly I'm starting to actually Love them. 

As terrifying as that sounds now I know down the track it will be so worth it. 

You're not enough and that's ok.

I have never been in such a season when I felt so intensely dependent on God. 

Where I wake up every morning and the first thing on my mind is how much I need Him in every single moment of my today. 

Generally I don't like to feel out of my depth. To be honest I have always played it safe, only taking on things I know I can handle and if it turns out I actually can't not showing that as a weakness or asking for help. If I say I'll do something I like to do it, regardless if the cost to me. 

It's probably a bit of a pride thing, I like to be good at what I am doing and I like to keep my word. 

This season is nothing like that. 

I said yes to too much knowing that I could not do it on my own. 

I said yes because God told me to and I trust him. 

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I stepped into it with no idea what it would look like and once I did that I realized I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. 

*queue panic* 

I have never been a Mum before. 

I do not know how to raise Two children. 

I cannot do this and everything else I already do.  

I can't Love them enough. 

I can't spread myself this thin. 

I cannot be enough for them. 

Never have I needed to cling to God for every single tiny little thing.

And when I did this he said this 

"you're not enough and that's ok" 

I was floored. 

Because I want to be enough, I want to do it all and do it all the best I can and I can't. 

I felt fractured into a million pieces because I wanted to be able to spread myself so thin before I realized there is not enough of me to do this. 

Before I realized everything in my life at this point needs more then I can give. 

 John 15:5 says  “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 

 

It's slightly abrupt but it's so true.  

I cannot do this on my own. 

The moment I step even slightly away from him, I am bound to stray. 

The second I let go of his hand I have no idea where I am going. 

If my eyes are not constantly on Him, I am blinded but the hugeness of this season. 

So I do not want to abide anywhere else. I do not want to do this life any other way.

I am not enough. 

That's becoming completely ok because He is and He always will be. 

 

Toddlers are awesome!

It has become apparent that I am now living with the most irrational human being in the world. 

Someone who thinks 4:30 is a good time to wake up screaming. 

Not crying, no, no! Crying I can do. I mean screaming. 

For what? Who knows! 

Me: ok so all my instincts say to go in to him maybe this time he'll let me pat and stroke his hair until he peacefully falls back to sleep. (This has happened once) 

bad idea!  worst idea ever in fact and now he is screaming more, it's a full blown tantrum (where does he have the energy for this?)  

Him: "I see that I now have you attention let me teach you a little game called scream and throw" 

I lay him down because he is clearly still tired, probably cold but will not let me put a blanket on him. 

He writhes as if I have touched him with hands of fire. 

He is Probably thirsty too but instead throws his drink at me. Oh! And then screams for it. 

Does so for other million items in the cot. 

Shoes? Sure have whatever you want at this point. 

Throws them at me too. 

At which point I am done picking things up over and over again and having him scream in my face to retrieve them and so I leave him to scream, hoping and praying he does not wake the baby. 

I feel like a crap person of course and I'm wide awake of course. 

Meanwhile someone else got tired of tantruming and went back to sleep. 

Sleep tight. 

Note: do not attempt to console tantruming toddler. 

Thankful for the village

I always liked the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" 

I didn't quite fully understand what it meant. 

I have always played I part in that village, I didn't realize how important it was. 

Then I needed my own village. 

Every single thing about how I needed to live my life changed in a moment. 

I became instantly entrusted with two very young lives. 

Before this time I always thought I could live out this calling on my own. 

I never anticipated asking for help. 

I never anticipated that I would be so thankful for the part others are playing in the lives of these kids. 

Every single place I go they have been abundantly Loved on. 

They have been suddenly surrounded by people who bring to their lives far more then I ever could on my own. 

Mothers who let them explore their backyard and show them how to water plants. 

Mothers who pray over them and tell them how blessed they are and how they will grow up to be world changers. 

Friends who play with them and make them giggle like I have tried a million times to do.

Friends who sing them to sleep. 

Friends who tell them over and over how much they love them. 

Kids teams that make him feel like so much of a legend that it's the first place he runs to. 

An endless amount of girlfriends that want to cuddle her and kiss her face a million times. 

Men who let her pull their beard and take their hat and give him endless hi fives, fist pumps and chase him around until he is breathless from laughter. 

Kids who have accepted him as their own.  

Watching how they respond to the world they are now a part of makes every single hard moment beyond worth it. 

Every single person they meet pours out encouragement on them. 

They make people's faces light up without even knowing them. 

They are surrounded by a church who thinks they are the most awesome people on this earth. 

They are Loved by a God who is greater then their wildest dreams could ever imagine.  

It blesses me more because we have no idea where they have come from. 

All i know is they are thriving on this environment and a lot of it has nothing to do with me. 

Truth is there is only so much I can give them. 

I cannot Love them like those around me can, I can only Love them with as much as I have to pour out and it's not going to be enough. 

I'm learning that it's ok if I am not enough, that's not what God is asking of me. 

He is enough for them. 

So I am forever thankful for those that are Loving them like only they can. 

I am thankful that God chose them to walk this out with me. 

There is no way I could do this without any of them and there is no way I would be doing this without Him. 

What it means to be blessed.

I have been reading the Beatitudes a lot lately. Trying to wrap my head around what they actually mean for me life. 

What it means to be blessed. 

We have been singing them in a song for a while, it never crossed my mind what we were actually declaring. 

Until I needed to sing the words when I did not feel so blessed. 

When instead I was feeling at the end of my rope, like my inside world was not put right at all, like I was starved of a God that was right in front of me. 

In no way did I feel like being careful, or showing mercy or being meek. 

How could I be blessed at the same time? 

I don't know about you but I do not feel blessed when a lot of these happen in my life. 

I have been in almost every single one and when I look back although I did not feel like it at the time I was blessed. 

I have felt at the end of my rope, like I honestly could not go on, like I was done and I've even given up. 

And at that moment is when God has come through when I could not. 

It's like when I have nothing left only then he gets complete control. 

I have lost what is most dear to me, 

It did not feel like a blessing. 

It felt like a giant empty hole that left me unable to breathe. 

After I tried everything else to find comfort then finally ran to Him, probably more broken then I needed to be. 

Only then was I embraced and only then did I realize who really was most dear to me. 

I have cared for others and been cared for even when sometimes caring is hard. 

Note: it does not say you will be cared for by the person you show care to.  

I have shown mercy even when sometimes it's thrown back in your face and then in turn been shown mercy. 

How many times did I throw that back in His face? 

I have hungered and thirsted for God like I would die without Him. 

But how many other wells did I try to drink from before I went to Him? 

I have had my inside world put so incredibly wrong that I thought it would never be right way up again. 

I tried to straighten it out and mend it before I placed it before him. 

I realized it said "put right" 

How thankful I am to be made righteous by him. 

I have been hated and rejected because of my faith. 

It felt so far from a blessing until I realized who they were really rejecting. 

How much darkness must there be for the light to hurt someone that badly? 

It makes so much sense now. 

My feelings are liars. 

They lie to me everyday, telling me this life is not what I need. 

When it is everything I need. 

And in every single one of these season and circumstances I ended up so much further in him then I was when I began. 

Makes me wonder if that's was the point the whole time. 

Remaining Thankful.

It's strange to me how in the same moment they feel like my own and yet also feel like strangers. 

It sounds mean. 

I know them, but in so many moments I do not know them at all. 

I do not understand what they need or how to respond. 

I don't always feel like their Mum yet I am still so blown away that in this season that have been entrusted to me. 

I'm still pinching myself that I am allowed to do this. 

In the next moment I am overwhelmed by the weight of it. 

Everyone has been congratulating me on become a "Mum" or welcoming me to "Motherhood" 

But I'm not sure what that means yet. 

I don't yet know where I stand. 

I am raising them and Loving them. 

It's not really like being a Mum at all. 

It's like sewing your very self into someone knowing that eventually they will have to be snipped away. 

It's like holding brokenness in your arms and not always knowing how to fix it. 

It's questioning every choice you make. 

But with it comes all the joyful moments. 

Amongst the tantrums and trying to reason with the most irrational person in the world, there is seeing them hold hands while I am driving. 

With the constant spew and never ending nappies, there is that first morning smile. 

In the midst of the tears you do not understand. That is the laughs you cause. 

There is the people that loved them instantly. 

There is the lyrics in worship that never came alive until now. 

There is the understanding just how much Jesus acomolished for you. 

There is Him coming through in every situation even though you never deserved any of it. 

For every challenge there is a blessing and for every setback there is a victory. 

However hard it may be to remain thankful, I always end up feeling thankful. 

Still.

Make me lie in green pastures. 

Make me rest in you. 

Lead me to where the water is still. 

I will drink, I will drink of you. 

Quiet my soul within you. 

Make my heart to be still. 

Keep my face turned towards you. 

Take captive the thoughts within. 

When my heart is overwhelmed. 

Lead me back to you. 

Take me the rock that is higher then I. 

Quiet me, make me still. 

Make me lie in green pastures. 

Oh make me rest in you. 

Beside still waters I walk. 

And I will drink of you. 

One in a hundred.

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away! (Luke 15:4-7 NLT)

I heard this read out today and it kind of hit me in a way it hasn't before. 

I don't get it, he had a hundred sheep,what's one more, it's not like he needed more. 

And how would he even notice it was gone? 

So I kinda had this conversation with God about it in my head because I couldn't get past the fact that he left the people he already had to find me. 

I sometimes still can't fathom it. 

How did he even notice I was gone? 

Why did it even matter? 

It's not like I am better then any if those people. 

It's not like I actually got lost either, I walked away. 

I left on purpose, I left cos I was mad that I was broken. 

I left cos I didn't want him to fix me. 

By the time I realized I wanted to come back, then I was lost. 

Kind of reminds me of the verse we are singing that says "my feet had wondered far, but now I'm where you are" 

Because the thing is I went so far away from God that I thought I could not possibly find my way back, so I gave it up in a way. 

He could have left me there, he had sheep already, he had people that Love and serve him, he had people that stuffed up less and could fulfill their callings better then I could. 

But instead of leaving me, He came for me. 

He looked for me until he found me. 

Instead of rebuking my sin and adding to my shame, he rejoiced over me. 

I actually do not think I will ever get my head around it. 

The fact that he already had people but found me so important that he same back for me! 

Learning to be Still.

He reminds me of this everyday.

I read it often. 

I want it to become as automatic as breathing. 

I want it to be my first response in chaos and the peace amongst the storm. 

I want it to be as easy as it seems. 

As easy as it should be. 

But my thoughts are constantly stolen away, my mind always going faster then I can ever catch. 

Leaving me weary for Him. 

If for only a moment I could focus on only Him. 

For a split second he is all I can think about. 

For all of my attention to be His. 

For all of my Love, all my affection, all my adoration to be his and his alone. 

For every thought to be captivated by his Words. 

For everything I am to be His. 

To be Still and to be quiet. 

To know that as sure as the sun will rise, that he comes. 

To know better then I know myself That He is God. 

And to remain in that truth. 

A dream come true :)

It's been a day! One day! How could one person learn so much in one single day? 

Ok by this point it's been four! Cos I forgot to post this ;) 

In a single 24 hour time slot my life completely and utterly changed. 

So it turns out that you can in fact learn a lot in one day. 

Everything people said about having children is true, and I used to think they were just exaggerating. 

"Sitting in the car while my child sleeps" I thought-  As if you would do that, just get them out they will be fine. 

I now think- DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS! I am literally doing that right now. He'd be ok to move but it's raining and I am sitting still so.. 

"No time to eat today" 

How can anyone forget that!? 

You can... More then once... More then one day in a row. 

"I can not ever just sit down" "I'm on the move all day" I thought "doesn't your child sleep or surely you can sit while they play" 

Hahahaha! Nope! Does not work like that.. They move... Like all the time... I kinda love it... But I'm tired...

"My house always looks messy" 

I thought- you should teach them to clean up after themselves or just tidy as you go.. 

Good luck and sure if you want to be cleaning all day long. 

So I judged a little before I knew and it's not like I have no experience in this area, I have been a nanny for 8 years. But at the end of the day I get to go home and be still and do what I want.. 

This is nothing like that, it's nothing like I thought it would be- it's better and harder and surreal and I cannot believe God is actually letting me do this!! 

So I learnt a lot and I'm learning a lot..like how not be in control, how not to plan every single small detail of my life. 

How to ask for help and receive help and that people have my back in this way more then I expected. I have been texting the same 2 or 3 people almost constantly asking people who are further down the journey a million questions and they have been the hugest blessing to me in this season. 

I am learning that it's ok to have no idea what's going on or what will happen next. 

It's ok if nothing looks how I think it should. 

It's ok if everything keeps changing all the time, and then changing back. 

It's ok if my house is a bomb like all the time! (And repeat until I feel ok with it) 

If I realize at 10pm that all I have eaten today is some chocolate custard and blueberries. 

It's like the same lesson God has been trying to teach me the past few months I all of a sudden have no choice but to know right now. 

Can even though I cannot plan everything or know everything or control everything. 

He completely and utterly can. 

And I have no choice but to just let Him! 

I just followed.

Sometimes the moment i find myself is so good that I think "how the heck did I get here?" 

Statistically I should not be where I am today. 

Realistically my circumstances should not have allowed for it. 

I'm not saying I have had the worst life ever, in fact I have been extremely blessed. 

But it has not been perfect or easy and when I look at it logically, this is the last place I should be. 

When there once was a time where all I could see was darkness and it looked as though that would never go away. 

It looked as though I would never get up from where I had fallen and that my life would never recover from where it had spilled out right before me. 

But now I find myself in a completely different place. 

I know I deserve none of it. 

I know nothing I could have done would have led me here. 

All I did was follow him. 

Not even that well. 

I tried to stray from Him but no where I ever found myself helped my hopelessness. 

I always ended up turning around to find Him still there. 

I always ended up needing Him. 

He never once told me it was too late, that I had used up all the Grace he had left for me. 

He never once turned me away. 

And He always waited, never forced me to trust him but remained trustworthy. 

And there is only one answer. 

How did I end up here? 

I just followed. 

Captured.

It comes most often as a quiet whisper, that somehow resounds within the noise of my mind.

His gentle voice, somehow always stronger and louder then any of the others. 

He urges me to look into his face again and again until it's the clearest thing I can see. 

Until everything else is a blur. 

I am in awe. 

I know his Love is solid and fierce, it covers every part of me. 

I become Instantly his once again, 

What once would call my attention away fades under the mist of his words. 

Each word surrounding me like fog until I see only him, I hear only his voice and I feel only his peace. 

As he captures my heart with a single word.

The answer is trust.

There is no trusting God until... 

It's not like we just trust God until we have it sorted or feel like we can handle stuff or until we are past the rough patch.. 

It's an every single day thing.. 

It's in the hard and the easy.

It's in the happy and the sad. 

It's in the good and the bad. 

We live our lives with trusting God as the first answer for every question and situation, and it needs to be not because it's the only option but because it's the best option. 

It's so easy to explain what having faith means to someone who has an amount of it.

It's almost impossible to explain why that is your go to answer for everything to someone who does not understand how to do the same, or why someone would. 

Over the past few weeks that's what I needed to do. 

I had to have someone come and assess who I was as a person and I had to be completely honest. 

Her actual job was to pick apart my life and make a judgement call based on what I told her. 

I needed to have answers to things I had never thought about. 

I had to explain situations and circumstances and how I came to be who I am today. 

I had to answer for future me as to how I would react in certain situations. 

Truth is sometimes I don't know. 

Sometimes I have no idea how God worked in a moment but I just know that he did. 

I have no idea how he will provide for me in the future, I just know that he always has and always will. 

I do not know if when something happens that I do not expect or cannot handle that I will respond in the way that I think I will now. 

I just know it will be ok. 

I don't know how I will trust God in the future or what that will look like. 

I just know that it's what I will do, because it's what has worked.

Because he doesn't fail. 

Because he has a way better idea about things then I do. 

Because he knows what will happen. 

Because he wants the best for me. 

Because he works all things for the good. 

Because he has all the answers and that means I don't need to. 

So the answer is trust. 

My response will be to trust Him. 

I don't know what that will look like In The future but I know it's not the only option I have, but it's the best option I have. 

Grace and Strength.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (II Corinthians 12:9 NKJV)

We do not like to be weak. 

We don't like it when we are not good at things. 

Often avoiding those things altogether. 

Weakness speaks of being powerless and highlights our lack. 

At best we can just try not to draw too much attention to it. 

To focus on our strengths and do more of what we are good at. 

Jesus can't always work with that. 

It seems that even though we have nothing to prove we keep trying to.

That even though we know He is enough we still do not completely rest in his sufficiency. 

The enemy always wants to throw your weakness in your face. 

He wants you to feel like your not enough. 

He wants you to keep striving in your own strength and then turn away ashamed. 

Ultimately he wants your weakness to drive you away from God. 

Jesus doesn't care about that. 

He covers your weaknesses. 

His Grace is always enough. 

I feel like this verse is here to lift the world off our shoulders when we feel like we are carrying it, even though we don't have to. 

Because if His grace is enough then it means we do not need to be. 

Because if his strength is made perfect in our weakness it mean it's ok if sometimes we are weak. 

As long as we wear His grace. 

As long as we allow his strength to cover our weaknesses. 

Thank you Isaiah!

So I said: “Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The LORD of hosts.” Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth with it, and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged.” (Isaiah 6:5-7 NKJV)

I Love Isaiah! He's one of my favorite prophets in the bible. 

I caught this verse and started reading up on him like crazy. 

He speaks of our saviour years before his arrival. 

He speaks of being cleansed. 

He speaks of being chosen. 

He speaks of being anointed by God and Jesus read verses out of his book in the temple.

But before all this there is this verse, a glimpse of his humility and humanity. Then a glimpse of Gods mercy and power and the moment the coal touches his lips he is cleansed of everything. 

Then in the very next verse God asks him who he should send, not a perfect person just someone who knew he was not worthy without Him. 

And he could have said no. 

He could have held onto his sin. 

He could have stayed in the state of unworthiness. 

But he didn't, he let the coal touch his lips. 

He said yes. 

He changed history forever!