Still.

Make me lie in green pastures. 

Make me rest in you. 

Lead me to where the water is still. 

I will drink, I will drink of you. 

Quiet my soul within you. 

Make my heart to be still. 

Keep my face turned towards you. 

Take captive the thoughts within. 

When my heart is overwhelmed. 

Lead me back to you. 

Take me the rock that is higher then I. 

Quiet me, make me still. 

Make me lie in green pastures. 

Oh make me rest in you. 

Beside still waters I walk. 

And I will drink of you. 

One in a hundred.

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away! (Luke 15:4-7 NLT)

I heard this read out today and it kind of hit me in a way it hasn't before. 

I don't get it, he had a hundred sheep,what's one more, it's not like he needed more. 

And how would he even notice it was gone? 

So I kinda had this conversation with God about it in my head because I couldn't get past the fact that he left the people he already had to find me. 

I sometimes still can't fathom it. 

How did he even notice I was gone? 

Why did it even matter? 

It's not like I am better then any if those people. 

It's not like I actually got lost either, I walked away. 

I left on purpose, I left cos I was mad that I was broken. 

I left cos I didn't want him to fix me. 

By the time I realized I wanted to come back, then I was lost. 

Kind of reminds me of the verse we are singing that says "my feet had wondered far, but now I'm where you are" 

Because the thing is I went so far away from God that I thought I could not possibly find my way back, so I gave it up in a way. 

He could have left me there, he had sheep already, he had people that Love and serve him, he had people that stuffed up less and could fulfill their callings better then I could. 

But instead of leaving me, He came for me. 

He looked for me until he found me. 

Instead of rebuking my sin and adding to my shame, he rejoiced over me. 

I actually do not think I will ever get my head around it. 

The fact that he already had people but found me so important that he same back for me! 

Learning to be Still.

He reminds me of this everyday.

I read it often. 

I want it to become as automatic as breathing. 

I want it to be my first response in chaos and the peace amongst the storm. 

I want it to be as easy as it seems. 

As easy as it should be. 

But my thoughts are constantly stolen away, my mind always going faster then I can ever catch. 

Leaving me weary for Him. 

If for only a moment I could focus on only Him. 

For a split second he is all I can think about. 

For all of my attention to be His. 

For all of my Love, all my affection, all my adoration to be his and his alone. 

For every thought to be captivated by his Words. 

For everything I am to be His. 

To be Still and to be quiet. 

To know that as sure as the sun will rise, that he comes. 

To know better then I know myself That He is God. 

And to remain in that truth. 

A dream come true :)

It's been a day! One day! How could one person learn so much in one single day? 

Ok by this point it's been four! Cos I forgot to post this ;) 

In a single 24 hour time slot my life completely and utterly changed. 

So it turns out that you can in fact learn a lot in one day. 

Everything people said about having children is true, and I used to think they were just exaggerating. 

"Sitting in the car while my child sleeps" I thought-  As if you would do that, just get them out they will be fine. 

I now think- DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS! I am literally doing that right now. He'd be ok to move but it's raining and I am sitting still so.. 

"No time to eat today" 

How can anyone forget that!? 

You can... More then once... More then one day in a row. 

"I can not ever just sit down" "I'm on the move all day" I thought "doesn't your child sleep or surely you can sit while they play" 

Hahahaha! Nope! Does not work like that.. They move... Like all the time... I kinda love it... But I'm tired...

"My house always looks messy" 

I thought- you should teach them to clean up after themselves or just tidy as you go.. 

Good luck and sure if you want to be cleaning all day long. 

So I judged a little before I knew and it's not like I have no experience in this area, I have been a nanny for 8 years. But at the end of the day I get to go home and be still and do what I want.. 

This is nothing like that, it's nothing like I thought it would be- it's better and harder and surreal and I cannot believe God is actually letting me do this!! 

So I learnt a lot and I'm learning a lot..like how not be in control, how not to plan every single small detail of my life. 

How to ask for help and receive help and that people have my back in this way more then I expected. I have been texting the same 2 or 3 people almost constantly asking people who are further down the journey a million questions and they have been the hugest blessing to me in this season. 

I am learning that it's ok to have no idea what's going on or what will happen next. 

It's ok if nothing looks how I think it should. 

It's ok if everything keeps changing all the time, and then changing back. 

It's ok if my house is a bomb like all the time! (And repeat until I feel ok with it) 

If I realize at 10pm that all I have eaten today is some chocolate custard and blueberries. 

It's like the same lesson God has been trying to teach me the past few months I all of a sudden have no choice but to know right now. 

Can even though I cannot plan everything or know everything or control everything. 

He completely and utterly can. 

And I have no choice but to just let Him! 

I just followed.

Sometimes the moment i find myself is so good that I think "how the heck did I get here?" 

Statistically I should not be where I am today. 

Realistically my circumstances should not have allowed for it. 

I'm not saying I have had the worst life ever, in fact I have been extremely blessed. 

But it has not been perfect or easy and when I look at it logically, this is the last place I should be. 

When there once was a time where all I could see was darkness and it looked as though that would never go away. 

It looked as though I would never get up from where I had fallen and that my life would never recover from where it had spilled out right before me. 

But now I find myself in a completely different place. 

I know I deserve none of it. 

I know nothing I could have done would have led me here. 

All I did was follow him. 

Not even that well. 

I tried to stray from Him but no where I ever found myself helped my hopelessness. 

I always ended up turning around to find Him still there. 

I always ended up needing Him. 

He never once told me it was too late, that I had used up all the Grace he had left for me. 

He never once turned me away. 

And He always waited, never forced me to trust him but remained trustworthy. 

And there is only one answer. 

How did I end up here? 

I just followed.