For what it's worth.

Nobody really talks about the gradualness of grief. I'm not even sure I should call it that really. 

They say that's what it is that you experience when you do short term foster care and your children move on. I always thought not, surely that's not what it's like. It completely is. 

I handle the more ripping off a bandaid kind of pain, like intense pain all at once and then it's over. This is not like that at all. 

It's more like layers of it, not so much that I can even see it or notice it myself until it's right there in my face urging me to actually feel it. To be honest a lot of the time I do not have time for it, which in my brain translates (probably badly) to the fact the people in my world do not really have a heap of time for me to be in this moment that hasn't happen in a set time frame. I live a busy life and I purposefully got busy right after they left purely as a distraction, well I actually I fell ill right after, then I got busy. In my thinking also, it's always busy, far to busy to actually stop and feel it. So it's more like drops that slowly fill up until I find a place to pour it out. 

And I'm sorry for all the metaphors and word plays, I'm not making it try to sound pretty... Ok well maybe I am just cos it's slightly better then being just black and white about it all. 

So there are layers and they are still happening and maybe God created me specifically like that for a reason. 

I'd rather not.

But I guess He knows what He is doing with is all. 

There are moments of remembering something and then feeling like it's going to happen again, but realising it's not. 

Moments of feeling like I'm ready to have them back now and knowing I can't and kind of being ok with it still even though it hurts. 

That moment when you realise they are never coming back that's scarily similar to when someone you love passes away. 

It's funny how it feels the same even though it's not the same thing. 

It's really just still being completely at peace with it, trusting God with it, knowing you did all you were called to do in those moments and grieving for those moments all at the same time. 

To think this is only the first time I have ever done it and that I'm going to do it all over again. 

So totally worth it! 

It's been a long time.

So.... it's been a long time.

I know I meant to write a blog post my babies leaving and I'm gonna get to it soon. There are a lot of emotions for me to put into words and I have not really a lot of breathing space to do that just yet. I tend to be either feeling not a whole lot about it or feeling everything at once so it's a working progress at the moment. I know that I miss them like crazy and a whole lot more then I expected I would, but I feel peace about the part I played. 

Plus there has been a whole lot happening, I've been working like crazy and have a brand new nephew to cuddle plus a friend who had a baby at the same time, plus DW on tour so I've been hanging with Miz a whole heap.. 

But I'm writing a blog now so... 

I've been thinking about the prodigal son a lot and to be hundred percent honest it's taken a long time to swallow my pride and write about it because I kind of related to him a lot lately because it has actually been a long time, since I just sat with Jesus, since I wrote about Him, since I even read my bible. I don't mean like a week I mean it's actually probably been months since I did and do I go thinking about whether this son ever just missed his Dad while he was away. 

I got thinking about that fathers reaction when his son came back out of need, because he wanted his provision and not even as his son but as his servant. 

You know those friends you have in your world who are kind of hard work sometimes, the ones you have to be the one to make the effort with 90% of the time. The ones you sometimes don't hear from for a while and then hear from when they need your help, so you of course do because that's what mates do. 

I just wonder if it was kind of like that with the prodigal son, I mean, he came back because he needed something right? 

What I Love though is how the father reacted to him. 

The same way He does with me when I do what I have done and just do not make him a priority in my personal life, cos I've been to church almost every week the same as I always do. I was sick so I missed a few but I was physically present. 

At home though I was just like him. Just away doing my own thing, missing having time to just sit but not actually making the time for it. 

My own fault really. 

When I actually sat down and did that though, He just did as He always does, listened to me and spoke just like He would have if it was a few months ago. 

So it's been a long time and sometimes I'm just like that son or that friend that's just gone until they are not. 

In the end it's still all good with Him and I. 

Blog about babies will be coming soon.