You're not enough and that's ok.

I have never been in such a season when I felt so intensely dependent on God. 

Where I wake up every morning and the first thing on my mind is how much I need Him in every single moment of my today. 

Generally I don't like to feel out of my depth. To be honest I have always played it safe, only taking on things I know I can handle and if it turns out I actually can't not showing that as a weakness or asking for help. If I say I'll do something I like to do it, regardless if the cost to me. 

It's probably a bit of a pride thing, I like to be good at what I am doing and I like to keep my word. 

This season is nothing like that. 

I said yes to too much knowing that I could not do it on my own. 

I said yes because God told me to and I trust him. 

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I stepped into it with no idea what it would look like and once I did that I realized I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. 

*queue panic* 

I have never been a Mum before. 

I do not know how to raise Two children. 

I cannot do this and everything else I already do.  

I can't Love them enough. 

I can't spread myself this thin. 

I cannot be enough for them. 

Never have I needed to cling to God for every single tiny little thing.

And when I did this he said this 

"you're not enough and that's ok" 

I was floored. 

Because I want to be enough, I want to do it all and do it all the best I can and I can't. 

I felt fractured into a million pieces because I wanted to be able to spread myself so thin before I realized there is not enough of me to do this. 

Before I realized everything in my life at this point needs more then I can give. 

 John 15:5 says  “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 

 

It's slightly abrupt but it's so true.  

I cannot do this on my own. 

The moment I step even slightly away from him, I am bound to stray. 

The second I let go of his hand I have no idea where I am going. 

If my eyes are not constantly on Him, I am blinded but the hugeness of this season. 

So I do not want to abide anywhere else. I do not want to do this life any other way.

I am not enough. 

That's becoming completely ok because He is and He always will be. 

 

Toddlers are awesome!

It has become apparent that I am now living with the most irrational human being in the world. 

Someone who thinks 4:30 is a good time to wake up screaming. 

Not crying, no, no! Crying I can do. I mean screaming. 

For what? Who knows! 

Me: ok so all my instincts say to go in to him maybe this time he'll let me pat and stroke his hair until he peacefully falls back to sleep. (This has happened once) 

bad idea!  worst idea ever in fact and now he is screaming more, it's a full blown tantrum (where does he have the energy for this?)  

Him: "I see that I now have you attention let me teach you a little game called scream and throw" 

I lay him down because he is clearly still tired, probably cold but will not let me put a blanket on him. 

He writhes as if I have touched him with hands of fire. 

He is Probably thirsty too but instead throws his drink at me. Oh! And then screams for it. 

Does so for other million items in the cot. 

Shoes? Sure have whatever you want at this point. 

Throws them at me too. 

At which point I am done picking things up over and over again and having him scream in my face to retrieve them and so I leave him to scream, hoping and praying he does not wake the baby. 

I feel like a crap person of course and I'm wide awake of course. 

Meanwhile someone else got tired of tantruming and went back to sleep. 

Sleep tight. 

Note: do not attempt to console tantruming toddler. 

Thankful for the village

I always liked the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" 

I didn't quite fully understand what it meant. 

I have always played I part in that village, I didn't realize how important it was. 

Then I needed my own village. 

Every single thing about how I needed to live my life changed in a moment. 

I became instantly entrusted with two very young lives. 

Before this time I always thought I could live out this calling on my own. 

I never anticipated asking for help. 

I never anticipated that I would be so thankful for the part others are playing in the lives of these kids. 

Every single place I go they have been abundantly Loved on. 

They have been suddenly surrounded by people who bring to their lives far more then I ever could on my own. 

Mothers who let them explore their backyard and show them how to water plants. 

Mothers who pray over them and tell them how blessed they are and how they will grow up to be world changers. 

Friends who play with them and make them giggle like I have tried a million times to do.

Friends who sing them to sleep. 

Friends who tell them over and over how much they love them. 

Kids teams that make him feel like so much of a legend that it's the first place he runs to. 

An endless amount of girlfriends that want to cuddle her and kiss her face a million times. 

Men who let her pull their beard and take their hat and give him endless hi fives, fist pumps and chase him around until he is breathless from laughter. 

Kids who have accepted him as their own.  

Watching how they respond to the world they are now a part of makes every single hard moment beyond worth it. 

Every single person they meet pours out encouragement on them. 

They make people's faces light up without even knowing them. 

They are surrounded by a church who thinks they are the most awesome people on this earth. 

They are Loved by a God who is greater then their wildest dreams could ever imagine.  

It blesses me more because we have no idea where they have come from. 

All i know is they are thriving on this environment and a lot of it has nothing to do with me. 

Truth is there is only so much I can give them. 

I cannot Love them like those around me can, I can only Love them with as much as I have to pour out and it's not going to be enough. 

I'm learning that it's ok if I am not enough, that's not what God is asking of me. 

He is enough for them. 

So I am forever thankful for those that are Loving them like only they can. 

I am thankful that God chose them to walk this out with me. 

There is no way I could do this without any of them and there is no way I would be doing this without Him. 

What it means to be blessed.

I have been reading the Beatitudes a lot lately. Trying to wrap my head around what they actually mean for me life. 

What it means to be blessed. 

We have been singing them in a song for a while, it never crossed my mind what we were actually declaring. 

Until I needed to sing the words when I did not feel so blessed. 

When instead I was feeling at the end of my rope, like my inside world was not put right at all, like I was starved of a God that was right in front of me. 

In no way did I feel like being careful, or showing mercy or being meek. 

How could I be blessed at the same time? 

I don't know about you but I do not feel blessed when a lot of these happen in my life. 

I have been in almost every single one and when I look back although I did not feel like it at the time I was blessed. 

I have felt at the end of my rope, like I honestly could not go on, like I was done and I've even given up. 

And at that moment is when God has come through when I could not. 

It's like when I have nothing left only then he gets complete control. 

I have lost what is most dear to me, 

It did not feel like a blessing. 

It felt like a giant empty hole that left me unable to breathe. 

After I tried everything else to find comfort then finally ran to Him, probably more broken then I needed to be. 

Only then was I embraced and only then did I realize who really was most dear to me. 

I have cared for others and been cared for even when sometimes caring is hard. 

Note: it does not say you will be cared for by the person you show care to.  

I have shown mercy even when sometimes it's thrown back in your face and then in turn been shown mercy. 

How many times did I throw that back in His face? 

I have hungered and thirsted for God like I would die without Him. 

But how many other wells did I try to drink from before I went to Him? 

I have had my inside world put so incredibly wrong that I thought it would never be right way up again. 

I tried to straighten it out and mend it before I placed it before him. 

I realized it said "put right" 

How thankful I am to be made righteous by him. 

I have been hated and rejected because of my faith. 

It felt so far from a blessing until I realized who they were really rejecting. 

How much darkness must there be for the light to hurt someone that badly? 

It makes so much sense now. 

My feelings are liars. 

They lie to me everyday, telling me this life is not what I need. 

When it is everything I need. 

And in every single one of these season and circumstances I ended up so much further in him then I was when I began. 

Makes me wonder if that's was the point the whole time. 

Remaining Thankful.

It's strange to me how in the same moment they feel like my own and yet also feel like strangers. 

It sounds mean. 

I know them, but in so many moments I do not know them at all. 

I do not understand what they need or how to respond. 

I don't always feel like their Mum yet I am still so blown away that in this season that have been entrusted to me. 

I'm still pinching myself that I am allowed to do this. 

In the next moment I am overwhelmed by the weight of it. 

Everyone has been congratulating me on become a "Mum" or welcoming me to "Motherhood" 

But I'm not sure what that means yet. 

I don't yet know where I stand. 

I am raising them and Loving them. 

It's not really like being a Mum at all. 

It's like sewing your very self into someone knowing that eventually they will have to be snipped away. 

It's like holding brokenness in your arms and not always knowing how to fix it. 

It's questioning every choice you make. 

But with it comes all the joyful moments. 

Amongst the tantrums and trying to reason with the most irrational person in the world, there is seeing them hold hands while I am driving. 

With the constant spew and never ending nappies, there is that first morning smile. 

In the midst of the tears you do not understand. That is the laughs you cause. 

There is the people that loved them instantly. 

There is the lyrics in worship that never came alive until now. 

There is the understanding just how much Jesus acomolished for you. 

There is Him coming through in every situation even though you never deserved any of it. 

For every challenge there is a blessing and for every setback there is a victory. 

However hard it may be to remain thankful, I always end up feeling thankful.