Remaining Thankful.

It's strange to me how in the same moment they feel like my own and yet also feel like strangers. 

It sounds mean. 

I know them, but in so many moments I do not know them at all. 

I do not understand what they need or how to respond. 

I don't always feel like their Mum yet I am still so blown away that in this season that have been entrusted to me. 

I'm still pinching myself that I am allowed to do this. 

In the next moment I am overwhelmed by the weight of it. 

Everyone has been congratulating me on become a "Mum" or welcoming me to "Motherhood" 

But I'm not sure what that means yet. 

I don't yet know where I stand. 

I am raising them and Loving them. 

It's not really like being a Mum at all. 

It's like sewing your very self into someone knowing that eventually they will have to be snipped away. 

It's like holding brokenness in your arms and not always knowing how to fix it. 

It's questioning every choice you make. 

But with it comes all the joyful moments. 

Amongst the tantrums and trying to reason with the most irrational person in the world, there is seeing them hold hands while I am driving. 

With the constant spew and never ending nappies, there is that first morning smile. 

In the midst of the tears you do not understand. That is the laughs you cause. 

There is the people that loved them instantly. 

There is the lyrics in worship that never came alive until now. 

There is the understanding just how much Jesus acomolished for you. 

There is Him coming through in every situation even though you never deserved any of it. 

For every challenge there is a blessing and for every setback there is a victory. 

However hard it may be to remain thankful, I always end up feeling thankful.