Grace

“The LORD is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in compassion and lovingkindness.”

PSALM 103:8 AMP

Isn't it just like God to be gracious in our worst moments? 

For some reason I was thinking about this last night. 

How many moments He showed immense kindness in the middle of my anger. 

How many times he showed compassion amongst my worst mistakes. 

How he Loved even while I was facing away from Him. 

So many times when I had been upset with God about how things turned out, about prayers that He did not answer in the way I'd been expecting or about things I did not get that I thought I needed. 

I used to be so fearful of feeling those things towards him, as if He'd be so mad at me because of it. 

This one specific time though, His kindness showed up in the middle of one of those Moments. 

I remember being so mad, I'm not even all that sure why. 

Must have been a big deal hey? 

I'd been angry for months! 

At everyone and at everything. 

I'd made so many mistakes out of that anger that I was so sure I could not turn and face God again. I had no explanation for my self destruction other then how I was feeling and that just wasn't good enough. 

I was leading in youth because of course it was better to just hide what was going on them to face it. 

And this one night one of the kids came up and said her parents need to talk to me. 

I was terrified, I'd clearly done something wrong and they found out. 

They obviously knew everything that was going on and now I'm going to be in trouble. 

But I went out anyways. 

I walked out of the gate and they gave my a little box, just to say thankyou for leading their daughter. I opened it and there was a key inside. I was so confused until I looked over and saw a little red car, my first car. 

Gifted to me by a family who will honestly never know how much it meant then and still means now. 

Blessed in my worst moment. 

I spent the next half hour crying in that car because nothing about how I was living my life said that I deserved that car. 

I expected at that point nothing from God. Surely my actions meant He was angry with me and was not going to help me out of the mess I'd made. 

But He just did what He does best. 

Showed me kindness and grace. 

And year and years on I still remember it and thank Him for it. 

Years later I know that it's just like Him to do something like that. 

More.2.0

You said there is more of me, 

I don't even feel like enough 

I'm so sure I'm wasting these moments. 

So scared I'm breaking her down. 

Breaking her trust in me. 

Making her soft place to fall rough. 

She is pure joy and I can see it but I'm not always there. 

If I am in chaos, how can I be her calm? 

And I know it's my fault.

 I should come to you. 

When I'm weary and so tired.

I still don't understand why I avoid it. 

Always feeling it's too late, always finding another way. 

Always busy struggling, always to busy to wait. 

Always wanting to do it myself, 

Never wanting to rely. 

Always trying to stay strong. 

Never let them see me cry. 

Well never crying in the first place 

Just lashing out instead. 

I need you to make me more. 

If what you are asking of me is true 

It's me you have to change 

I need a fresh joy for her. 

I need fresh love 

I need fresh patience.

I need fresh energy.

I need fresh fun. 

I need to remember the waiting, when she was not with me and she was all I wanted and all I thought about and all I prayed for. 

I need to be happy she is here. I need to remember she is my biggest blessing and my number one calling and everything I do is for her. 

I need to be better. 

Not just do better.

I need to be better. 

Please make me more.

Alter

Take the thing you hate. 

The thing you try most to hide away. 

Take what you think is the worst of you. 

The thing you only see as pain. 

The thing you say He cannot use.

Or that you don't want Him too. 

The thing you want nobody to see. 

So they barely notice it anymore.

Take it from the box that you put it, hoping it might just go away. 

Take it out of the darkness. 

Bring it into the light. 

Bring it to the alter, just like the one you see in your head.  

Surrender it to be used, even though you don't understand. 

You might never know why, sometimes trust is confusing. 

Take the thing you hate the most. 

And give it over to Him. 

More.

You know the thing about being a single Mum that's the most terrifying. 

Is that everything is on you, there is no tapping out, no passing the buck or sharing the load. 

And sometimes I don't feel that, I mean it doesn't feel that hard. 

Mostly I've got this.

But what happens if I don't? 

And can I just say first off that I hate posts like this. 

Usually. 

The ones that explain how hard and overwhelming it all is. 

I don't wanna read about it. 

I wanna read about how you are owning this Mum gig like a boss and your kids are great and about how I'm enough. 

Except when I'm not. 

What happens then? 

What happens when I pour out all of me for her and give her everything I have and it's not enough! 

What if she needs more? 

The hardest thing is that there is no more! 

I'm it! 

There is no safety net under me. 

I am her soft place to fall.

And if I'm feeling kind of rough guess what happens to her soft place. 

Ouch! 

Sometimes that pressure alone is enough to make me feel like I cannot actually do this. 

And the other thing is that I chose this! 

I put my hand up to do it alone. 

Volunteered for it to be all on me. 

I knew what I was signing up for all along. 

I still said yes, I'd say yes again. 

Doesn't make it any less hard when it's really hard.

Doesn't make the weight of motherhood any lighter. 

And maybe it's like this for all mothers in general, I really have nothing to compare with.

This is all I know. 

So after struggling with this in my mind and taking it to God to ask if I can really do this, or more along the lines of "why did you ask me to do this?" 

How did He think I was enough? 

Well.. He knew I wasn't and He knew I'd need Him. 

So I guess that was the point of it really. 

Because why would God ask me to do something for Him if I didn't need Him to do it? 

Something else that I don't understand. 

So when I talked to God about it He said "There is more of you" 

He said this when I don't feel like even what I have now is enough. 

How can there be more? 

Because there is more of Him. 

Because He is never not enough. 

So when I am empty, when I have run out of me.

There is more of Him to pour in and then more of me to pour out and when that runs out there is more and it just never ends. 

Like that verse that I love

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

Matthew 5:3 MSG

I feel like sometimes, ok often.... ok mostly every time I really come face to face with God in a massive way I'm in an "end of my rope" season. 

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. 

So I'm sorry this is not an overly encouraging article except to say that if also don't feel like enough you probably aren't and you probably just need to be filled so that you can be more the enough again. 

Be blessed Xx