More.

You know the thing about being a single Mum that's the most terrifying. 

Is that everything is on you, there is no tapping out, no passing the buck or sharing the load. 

And sometimes I don't feel that, I mean it doesn't feel that hard. 

Mostly I've got this.

But what happens if I don't? 

And can I just say first off that I hate posts like this. 

Usually. 

The ones that explain how hard and overwhelming it all is. 

I don't wanna read about it. 

I wanna read about how you are owning this Mum gig like a boss and your kids are great and about how I'm enough. 

Except when I'm not. 

What happens then? 

What happens when I pour out all of me for her and give her everything I have and it's not enough! 

What if she needs more? 

The hardest thing is that there is no more! 

I'm it! 

There is no safety net under me. 

I am her soft place to fall.

And if I'm feeling kind of rough guess what happens to her soft place. 

Ouch! 

Sometimes that pressure alone is enough to make me feel like I cannot actually do this. 

And the other thing is that I chose this! 

I put my hand up to do it alone. 

Volunteered for it to be all on me. 

I knew what I was signing up for all along. 

I still said yes, I'd say yes again. 

Doesn't make it any less hard when it's really hard.

Doesn't make the weight of motherhood any lighter. 

And maybe it's like this for all mothers in general, I really have nothing to compare with.

This is all I know. 

So after struggling with this in my mind and taking it to God to ask if I can really do this, or more along the lines of "why did you ask me to do this?" 

How did He think I was enough? 

Well.. He knew I wasn't and He knew I'd need Him. 

So I guess that was the point of it really. 

Because why would God ask me to do something for Him if I didn't need Him to do it? 

Something else that I don't understand. 

So when I talked to God about it He said "There is more of you" 

He said this when I don't feel like even what I have now is enough. 

How can there be more? 

Because there is more of Him. 

Because He is never not enough. 

So when I am empty, when I have run out of me.

There is more of Him to pour in and then more of me to pour out and when that runs out there is more and it just never ends. 

Like that verse that I love

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

Matthew 5:3 MSG

I feel like sometimes, ok often.... ok mostly every time I really come face to face with God in a massive way I'm in an "end of my rope" season. 

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. 

So I'm sorry this is not an overly encouraging article except to say that if also don't feel like enough you probably aren't and you probably just need to be filled so that you can be more the enough again. 

Be blessed Xx