It was my first Mother's Day.
I remember waking up and instead of feeling celebrated I felt the pressure to feel celebrated.
Instead of feeling thankful I felt a burden.
I remember crying a lot that day, so much so that I really thought I would not be able to stop.
I remember refusing to leave the house. Because I did not feel like I could go and be loved on like the other Mums when I was not living up to expectation I had perceived was there, and It wasn't.
Nobody expected me to have it all together but me, and I couldn't, so I stayed at home.
I remember having two beautiful children that I could have enjoyed that day like I had many others, instead I let myself stay where I was. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious and I lost an entire day to that.
I didn't fight the feelings or challenge the thoughts, I excused myself from the fight.
I felt sorry for myself.
To be honest I kind of still feel annoyed at myself for it when I think about it too much.
I'm just being real because last Mother's Day I was anything but that.
I wonder why we are so afraid to admit that our emotions are overtaking us?
I wonder why eventually we stop trying to fight them or challange them?
I wonder why we let them make themselves at home in our mind?
I wonder why we hide them away?
This Mother's Day I woke up feeling Blessed that I can even be a Mum, that I have the privilege to Love my baby while I have her and enjoy her (even after she threw up all over me)
I woke up thinking and feeling different not because I'm some awesome human, but because my feelings are not my master.
Because time and time again I gave my emotions to my Master.
When they became out of control, I gave them to the one who was in control.
Because when they lied to me I told them the truth, and I told it over and over and over again until I believed it.
Because I refused the accept that this is just how I feel or how I think or who I am.
Instead I chose to fight.
Because I choose to believe in a God who says I am worth it.
So a year on, just one year later and I cannot imagine feeling like I did on that day.
This year is a Happy Mothers Day!
I hope you realise and think about how valued you are today!
XO
