You'll find him in surrender.

You'll find him in surrender. 

I've had these words in my spirit for a month now. 

Almost constantly whispering and reminding me. 

No idea what they meant. 

I mean, I obviously know what they basically mean for my life and for yours. 

Of course that's where we find him. 

When we cast of own self aside that's where he comes the strongest. 

One of my favorite things to hear is someone tell me that they have to do something that they feel like they cannot do. 

My friend is a worship leader and when she tells me she has to lead a song that she feels is beyond her skill set I am a little pumped to be honest, because time after time when these are the times that God completely takes over. 

I am so sure that one of God's favorite things to hear is "I cannot to this without you" 

I kid you not it has been my prayer every single morning for the last few months. 

I don't just mean that I have spoken or written to word. 

I mean I have so desperately felt them as I spoke them, I have no idea how I would do this apart from him. 

My own ways and my own understanding does not work, believe me I have tried it. 

I like to have things and do things I certain way. 

I like certainty and I like things to be predictable. 

If we have planned something and you change it at the last minute or bail on it, that has potential to really shake me. 

I have to really really think about how it's actually not a big deal at all in order to move past it quickly. 

I am the same with God, If I have a "plan" in my head that I think will work and he wants me to lay that aside and trust him. 

I struggle with that. 

I struggle to surrender. 

Thing is every single time I have, that's where I have found him. 

He is not in my plans or in my will. 

I am in His. 

The word actually means to relinquish possession or control over.

When I place everything in his hands, every thought, every feeling and every actions that's where he is found. 

So it makes so much sense now. 

You'll find him in surrender. 

Without fail, every single time. 

Fearless.

I ordered a giving key today. 

It's something I'd been thinking about doing since I heard about them. 

Basically they give hope to homeless people by employing them and the keys have words on them. 

They are messages and you wear it until you find someone who needs the message more then you, then you give it to them or you get one for someone. 

I know who mine will go to, I knew it before I chose the word. I had this person on my heart for while now soo was looking for a word that applies to them, I just had no idea that the word would apply to me first. 

I looked through all the words and then looked through them again. 

I kid you not I had to catch my breath when I read the word "fearless" because if there is anything I want to be in this season it's this. 

fearless - invulnerable to fear or intimidation

If I am completely honest I often feel anything but that. 

Anxiety is terrifying, it consumes every thought and every feeling. 

Your just terrified about nothing. 

Terrified when it comes that it won't go away ever. 

Terrified of what people will think or say about it. 

Having to keep doing stuff to get it out. 

I mean sometimes it's helpful when I have cleaned my entire house or only need like 3 hours sleep. 

Mostly it's just there until it exhausts you. 

It doesn't have logic or reason behind it. 

It lies and even though you know it lies sometimes it's still there. 

I cannot remember a time in my adult life where I have not had to deal with anxiety on some level. 

I've spoken to a doctor who explains it as something to do with too much adrenaline and my body sending mixed fear signals when they are not needed, either way it sucks. 

My sister said something the other day about "Your anxiety" and I had to stop her, because it's not mine, I don't want it and so I will not call it mine. 

She laughed.. Which is ok.. I think she doesn't get it. 

I'm not even sure if that's the right attitude to have but at the moment it's mine. 

Cos I'm done with this. 

I'm choosing fearless instead. 

The bible talks about it constantly. 

Jesus says "do not fear" and I have read that more times then I can count, I have read it over and over again. 

I'm choosing fearless above the tightness in my chest that sometimes makes it hard to catch my breath. 

I'm choosing fearless above thinking I'm not doing this right or that someone could do it better. 

I'm choosing fearless above worry. 

I'm choosing fearless above my million miles and hour brain that never stops.

The one who will wear it around their neck is already fearless. 

I'm not even sure they know it yet. 

I guess in a few weeks we will know.

Living in the definite.

definite - known for certain

I love how definite the bible is. 

It never says God felt like saving us on that day or he might heal you. 

It's never based on feelings or circumstances or the weather. 

It is sure. 

It is certain. 

It is definite. 

I've been reading Psalm 91 lately often just reading a single word over and over again. It's filled with statements like: I will, He will,and He is, there is not a lot of room for argument there. 

In our day to day life not a lot is certain. 

Everything changes. 

At any second our life could completely be flipped on it's head. 

Our relationships change. 

Our job changes. 

Our health changes. 

Our moods. 

And without even thinking we are reliant on those things.

So when they do change we go to God and find He is still the same all along. 

Everything is subject to change. 

Except God. 

So when everything is changing and moving around me I want be reliant of the one who doesn't. 

Verses like: 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 

Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. (Psalm 91:1-5, 9, 11, 14-15 NIV)

I don't want to live in the uncertainty of life. 

I want to base my life on verses like this. 

I want to Live in the definite. 

In the unchanging promises of God. 

Moments of Love.

I don't why it took so long for me to Love them. 

I mean to actually enjoy them and their little personalities and quirks. 

I watch everyone else around me fall for them in an instant, gush over them and kiss them endlessly, as they should have. 

Meanwhile I had to keep reminded myself that they needed more then anything to be held. 

It didn't come naturally to me. 

Two months in and they felt somewhat like strangers. 

Maybe it's because I knew it would only be a short time. 

Too afraid to get too attached, I thought it would be so hard to let go. 

Everyone kept saying how much they'd missed them when they moved on. 

I honestly felt ok about it. 

I was so focused on doing it "right" and getting it all done that I forgot to just breathe and enjoy the moments as they happen. 

So taken back by every decision needing to be the right one lest I cause them more damage. 

Overwhelmed still by how fragile the situation was and how at any moment it could change. 

Basically my Job was not to screw them up and I still wondered how I was allowed to be the one with their lives in my hands.. 

Then moments like the ones pictures here happened. 

Their faces lit up. 

They laughed. 

They got upset when they couldn't see me. 

Moments that made me want to hold them forever.

Just a subtle reminder that my place in their lives is far greater then just feeding and clothing them. 

Far far above that is loving them with an unconditional love, and making sure they know it. 

It's creating memories that hopefully they will remember. 

Suddenly the weight seems a whole lot lighter. 

Suddenly I'm starting to actually Love them. 

As terrifying as that sounds now I know down the track it will be so worth it.