Fearless.

I ordered a giving key today. 

It's something I'd been thinking about doing since I heard about them. 

Basically they give hope to homeless people by employing them and the keys have words on them. 

They are messages and you wear it until you find someone who needs the message more then you, then you give it to them or you get one for someone. 

I know who mine will go to, I knew it before I chose the word. I had this person on my heart for while now soo was looking for a word that applies to them, I just had no idea that the word would apply to me first. 

I looked through all the words and then looked through them again. 

I kid you not I had to catch my breath when I read the word "fearless" because if there is anything I want to be in this season it's this. 

fearless - invulnerable to fear or intimidation

If I am completely honest I often feel anything but that. 

Anxiety is terrifying, it consumes every thought and every feeling. 

Your just terrified about nothing. 

Terrified when it comes that it won't go away ever. 

Terrified of what people will think or say about it. 

Having to keep doing stuff to get it out. 

I mean sometimes it's helpful when I have cleaned my entire house or only need like 3 hours sleep. 

Mostly it's just there until it exhausts you. 

It doesn't have logic or reason behind it. 

It lies and even though you know it lies sometimes it's still there. 

I cannot remember a time in my adult life where I have not had to deal with anxiety on some level. 

I've spoken to a doctor who explains it as something to do with too much adrenaline and my body sending mixed fear signals when they are not needed, either way it sucks. 

My sister said something the other day about "Your anxiety" and I had to stop her, because it's not mine, I don't want it and so I will not call it mine. 

She laughed.. Which is ok.. I think she doesn't get it. 

I'm not even sure if that's the right attitude to have but at the moment it's mine. 

Cos I'm done with this. 

I'm choosing fearless instead. 

The bible talks about it constantly. 

Jesus says "do not fear" and I have read that more times then I can count, I have read it over and over again. 

I'm choosing fearless above the tightness in my chest that sometimes makes it hard to catch my breath. 

I'm choosing fearless above thinking I'm not doing this right or that someone could do it better. 

I'm choosing fearless above worry. 

I'm choosing fearless above my million miles and hour brain that never stops.

The one who will wear it around their neck is already fearless. 

I'm not even sure they know it yet. 

I guess in a few weeks we will know.