No longer her.

From the moment I started a real relationship with God I had written to him. 

I had always journaled before then but this was different. 

Lately I felt as though I should throw them away, but every time I went to I would read them and then I just couldn't. 

As annoyed as I got when I would read them because they showed the same pattern of my life. 

A pattern I no longer follow.

I just held on to them. 

The pile grew until I had a huge, heavy and dusty box of them. 

Today I resolved to just throw them without looking at them or thinking about why I should keep them. 

The box was heavy in more ways then one, but it was easy to let that part of me go. 

This is part of the reason why: 

The words that I place on paper must always be for the glory of the One who gives them to me. 

Just as the words from my lips must be. 

They must be of praise. 

They must bring honor. 

They must speak of his goodness and of his grace. 

Once there was a time where they were not so. 

They were of anger and brought dishonor to his name. 

They glorified my pain and made it become greater then He. 

I have never ridded myself of them. 

I have journals full of them. 

50 or so that say the same things over and over. 

They talk of thing that had me stuck there for so long. 

As a broken person who was set free time and time again but ended up going back to the same life. 

As many times as a tried. 

I could never throw them away. 

As if somehow I small part of me was still that person.

As if I could in some ways go back. 

But if I've been made new the old must really go. 

I cannot hold onto who I once was or  live out those words any longer. 

I must not hold on to them. 

So many people have told me that I am not that person anymore. 

I guess I've been keeping the words so prove that at one time I was. 

But then it always leaves a part of me there. 

In the back of my mind I could still at any moment be her. 

When the truth is, 

I am not.