On occasion I wake up and before I even have a decent thought I'm smashed with the feeling that I can't do what I know God is asking me to do.
It's too big.
It's too hard.
How could you possibly think I am the right person for this?
What if I can't do this?
Basically just doing a lot of useless complaining.
I keep asking the same questions and getting the same answer.
I open my bible and read something on hopes that it might tell me what will happen next.
I read:
"Be still and know..."
"I know the plans I have for you"
"Trust in The Lord with all your heart"
I talk to friends about it.
I hear:
"God is backing you"
"He's not setting you up to fail"
While I know this is all true and valid and I believe it with my whole I always just want to know a little bit more, I'm the kind of person who wants to understand everything and if I don't I will forever keep trying to figure it out.
Sometimes I want God to say more then "Just trust me, I have you"
What? How do you have me?
What does that mean?
What are you going to do?
Will you please just explain what you are doing?
"Trust me"
I do trust you but,
What if this happens?
What if that goes wrong?
How is this going to look?
I am constantly asking Him to explain every detail.
To tell me what will happen next.
To prepare me for what's around the corner.
Like a nervous child who won't let go of her Fathers hand to run into the playground.
Still He nudges me forward into what he has for me.
He is nudging me into the darkness that only He can see.
I need to trust His eyes not my own.
Tell me what you can see God?
"It's ok, I got this"
And I don't have another option.
I cannot trust anything or anyone apart from him.
Because saying that I trust him and then acting as if I don't is the same as not trusting him at all.
I must constantly remind myself that I know everything I need to know.
I can see everything I need to see and when I can see nothing my only option is to go by what he can see.
Sometimes that means following him into the dark.
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