Welcome new things.

I had a pretty good year. 

I think about that on the first day every year and I always end up with the same conclusion. 

It was good! 

God has had my back this year. 

I'm blessed with a job, great friends, incredible church, somewhere to live and I'm about to step into a dream that I have been working towards for years. 

I went to America for the first time with three of the people I Love most and Got to spend time with one of my first leaders who I admire and love. I went to the beach. We got my Dad a puppy, I spent a lot of time with friends and built good relationships with them and completed foster care training. 

Thing is I could say it was crap if I wanted to, it would be equally as valid. 

Crap stuff happened, I had hard days, things did not go as I planned. 

I lost a job, fought with my friends sometimes, I got sick, at times I hurt and didn't get everything I wanted. 

Of course those points are valid. 

But does that determine the outcome of my year? 

Does that determine the attitude I am taking into this year? 

The point is God wants to do new things. 

He has more for us. 

He has answers to prayers. 

There is growth for us. 

There is challange. 

There is breakthrough. 

As there was last year, there will be new things this year. 

So I'm choosing to have a welcoming attitude to those. 

Trials will come. 

But Welcome the new things. 

My life is well and whole.

"As long as you are still speaking, the devil is loosing"- Joseph Prince 

I tend to panic. 

I don't talk about it often and I don't think I have really written about it properly, but I think I understand it enough to attempt to do so now. 

So I panic right? Before I think about the problem logically.

Before I think about a possible solution.

Before I think about that fact that it will actually be ok, because I know it will. 

When life is chaotic and I'm getting stressed and nothing is going right. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's going to be fine, that God will come through. 

Even still I can't seen to stop myself from first freaking out and going into meltdown mode before I, or a friend, or God snaps me out of it. 

Sometimes I freak out a little, sometimes I freak out ALOT. 

This is a story of when I freaked out a lot. 

So I had one of those weeks where everything started going wrong. 

Just the usual adult life stuff, a few huge bills that I needed to pay, a parking offence that I did not commit, Christmas shopping that I am still yet to start, I writting piece that I needed to pass my foster care assessment that was particularly difficult to edit and then my car broke. So I was slightly stressed but these were all fixable problems and I knew that so I was a little overwhelmed but I was dealing with it so I was only having little freak outs here and there and then moving on from them. 

Then one day I went home after work earlier because when I get stressed I get nauseas. 

I opened a letter that was basically about more money that I did not have and so I called to see what it was about and the second the lady on the phone asked a question I lost it. 

I mean lost it completely and I think I shocked her.

I had a panic attack, on the phone to her!! 

She very quickly and awkwardly gave me another number to call and sort it out. 

So after I hung up I did all the things that everyone tells you to do when this happens, I do them all for about two hours until I am calm again. 

Few days later I am telling someone about this, laughing about it cos it's over and it's not a big deal anymore. 

Next day I get a text "psalm 55 read all of it" 

So I do in every available version and I see this line 

"My life is well and whole, secure in the middle of danger"- verse 17ish MSG 

It makes complete sense to me. 

What happens in a panic attack is something happens and your mind sends all these messages to your body that your in danger and so your body pysically responds as if it's in danger. 

But your not. 

So this verse is just a reminder, that in the middle of chaos my life is well and whole. 

And that in the middle of "danger" real or otherwise I am secure. 

Thing is God comes through and since has come through in do many ways for me and I know that. 

That's what I need to be looking at. 

That's where my focus needs to be. 

And that's what my attention must be on. 

Why having time to myself is the best and worst things for me in this season.

I Love and also Hate having days off. 

I'm always complaining that I need a day off to do nothing! So I can stay in bed all day and not leave the house at all, because it sounds appealing, it really does. 

I have friends that do it often and they talk about how they had the best day doing nothing and I want that day, I want to do nothing.

 The thing is though I can never ever  do just "nothing"

I used to be able to, but now I can't sit still. It sucks a little and so I'm trying to fix it. 

People said things like "you'll be bored after a few hours" and I so wanted to prove them wrong. 

So I had a quiet week, where I worked less and had some time to myself.

Just a few afternoons which makes me think God is trying to ease my into this slowly. 

It was the best and also the worst thing ever, and I only just realized it was because of my own terrible attitude.

I used to be so good and being alone and just entertaining myself, I need time to myself to enjoy spending time with people. 

But for a very long time I forgot to have it. 

I went from work, to one social event, to another and then back to work again. 

I did this day after day week after week for months. 

I was exhausted! 

I was the kind if exhausted that left me unable to stop.

So I just kept being busy until I could not and NEEDED to stop, then I would get busy all over again. 

So when I had time off, I hated it! 

I wanted to Love it, but I instead accidentally slipped into a hole where I felt crap and acted crap simply because of the fact that I had so much that I needed to but I just didn't have anything left in me to do it well. 

So I just didn't do anything. 

At the end of it I still felt physically rested but I wasted a lot of my mental energy on stuff that was not at all worth it. 

So I'm learning there needs to be a balance, a little time to stop but not too much and to stop for the right reasons.

More on trust.

Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God, (Deuteronomy 1:29-32 NIV)

The thing about God is that he has not once given us any reason to not trust him. 

He has not once failed us or left us or broken a single promise. 

He has been faithful through every moment and season. 

He has shown us time and time again that he is worthy of our complete trust. 

The thing about us is we find it hard to completely trust him. 

Why is that? 

Maybe it has a lot to do with our human nature, we want to have control over our lives and by putting our complete trust in God we surrender that control to him. 

Maybe it's that we were born into world were people are incapable of being 100% faithful and so we learn to distrust and in doing that we perceive God to be the same. 

The fact is that even after God showing us his faithfulness and keeping his promises every single time as if He has to prove himself to us, we struggle to give him our complete trust. 

But the truth is that until we do that, He cannot fight for us. 

He only does as much as we let him do, with as much of us as we give him. 

So if we are holding onto anything in the hopes that we could do it better, we are fooling ourselves. 

We will forever be fighting a loosing battle with weapons that are only effective if we place them in his hands. 

So we must choose in spite of ourselves to place everything we have into his hands. 

We must choose to let him fight for us, just as he has done before. 

Just some thoughts on trust.

It's so much harder to trust Jesus with the little things. 

It becomes a choice then, when you could do it in your own strength but hand it over to him anyway.

When you could do things your own way, but trust His way is better. 

When something happens that is so huge and overwhelming we are not left with any other choice then to trust God with it.

When it's too big for us we have to hand it over to the one who is bigger. 

It's not a choice then, it's just a matter of surviving the season. 

The choice to trust comes in the little things we trust Him with. 

Nothing is more frustrating to me or awakens more anxiety within me then being able to do something, but letting someone else do it anyways.

Lately my trust journey has gone from having to trust him to choosing to. 

I've found it was so much easier when I had no choice and nowhere else to go. 

Trust became my only option. 

But what about when it is not. 

Do we choose it anyway? 

It becomes more about putting him first? 

It becomes a choice. 

I can handle almost anything if I know I can practically do something through it. 

I have spent so much time in this season continuously asking God to tell me what I can do when all he saying is "Let me" 

So I choose to trust him. 

And I need to choose to over and over again. 

Isaiah

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2 NIV)

Note to self: it does not say you will not go through anything. 

It's not saying you will avoid all trails and tribulations. 

It's saying when you go through something tough, you won't go through it alone. 

God will be with you. 

It's saying when you have to do something that seems too hard, it will not overwhelm you. 

It's saying when something happens that could damage you, you'll come out of it unharmed.  

I am sure that when I accepted Jesus that my life changed, I am sure it is now a million times better and I am sure I would make that same choice a thousand times over given the chance. 

I am also sure that it did not get easier, in fact for a season it became a lot harder as I fought to undo my 15 years worth of living in this world without Him. 

I did not know any better and in my blissful ignorance I did as I pleased and was left to face the mess of my past. 

Often it's so much harder and Jesus never promised it would not be. 

It's harder to not take the easy way out. 

It's harder to see the bigger picture. 

It's harder to move past moments I want to stay in. 

It's hard to do the right thing.

It's hard to look past how I feel and do what I know he is asking of me. 

Even when it's the last thing I want to. 

Because I know better now. 

He never said I would not go through raging rivers or that things would not get hot. 

He simply said I will not drown and I won't be burnt. 

And it's worth every moment. 

Believe.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” (Luke 1:45 NIV)

This verse is the first thing I read this morning. 

A friends Mum posted it and to be honest a looked it up to see if said "He" not she. 

It's actually taking about Mary and Elizibeth. 

It's talking about after she has already believed that God is doing what He said he would do. 

It reminded me of one thing. 

God ALWAYS does what he says he will do. 

I have read countless verses on it and I feel like in this season more then ever I keep being reminded of it over and over again. 

I feel like it's easier to believe a promise when it's far off into the future, when it's something God has for you in years to come. 

The struggle to believe is probably more when it's just so close to happening and then things start going wrong. 

Or you start feeling like maybe you can't do it anymore? 

Or maybe you heard wrong and you have worked towards nothing? 

In these moments its even more important to stand on verses like this and believe that even when it does not look like it,

God fulfills his promises every single time. 

Following

On occasion I wake up and before I even have a decent thought I'm smashed with the feeling that I can't do what I know God is asking me to do. 

It's too big. 

It's too hard. 

How could you possibly think I am the right person for this? 

What if I can't do this?

Basically just doing a lot of useless complaining. 

I keep asking the same questions and getting the same answer. 

I open my bible and read something on hopes that it might tell me what will happen next. 

I read: 

"Be still and know..." 

"I know the plans I have for you" 

"Trust in The Lord with all your heart" 

I talk to friends about it. 

I hear: 

"God is backing you" 

"He's not setting you up to fail" 

While I know this is all true and valid and I believe it with my whole I always just want to know a little bit more, I'm the kind of person who wants to understand everything and if I don't I will forever keep trying to figure it out. 

Sometimes I want God to say more then "Just trust me, I have you" 

What? How do you have me? 

What does that mean? 

What are you going to do? 

Will you please just explain what you are doing? 

"Trust me" 

I do trust you but, 

What if this happens? 

What if that goes wrong? 

How is this going to look? 

I am constantly asking Him to explain every detail. 

To tell me what will happen next. 

To prepare me for what's around the corner. 

Like a nervous child who won't let go of her Fathers hand to run into the playground. 

Still He nudges me forward into what he has for me. 

He is nudging me into the darkness that only He can see. 

I need to trust His eyes not my own. 

Tell me what you can see God? 

"It's ok, I got this" 

And I don't have another option. 

I cannot trust anything or anyone apart from him. 

Because saying that I trust him and then acting as if I don't is the same as not trusting him at all. 

I must constantly remind myself that I know everything I need to know. 

I can see everything I need to see and when I can see nothing my only option is to go by what he can see. 

Sometimes that means following him into the dark. 

No longer her.

From the moment I started a real relationship with God I had written to him. 

I had always journaled before then but this was different. 

Lately I felt as though I should throw them away, but every time I went to I would read them and then I just couldn't. 

As annoyed as I got when I would read them because they showed the same pattern of my life. 

A pattern I no longer follow.

I just held on to them. 

The pile grew until I had a huge, heavy and dusty box of them. 

Today I resolved to just throw them without looking at them or thinking about why I should keep them. 

The box was heavy in more ways then one, but it was easy to let that part of me go. 

This is part of the reason why: 

The words that I place on paper must always be for the glory of the One who gives them to me. 

Just as the words from my lips must be. 

They must be of praise. 

They must bring honor. 

They must speak of his goodness and of his grace. 

Once there was a time where they were not so. 

They were of anger and brought dishonor to his name. 

They glorified my pain and made it become greater then He. 

I have never ridded myself of them. 

I have journals full of them. 

50 or so that say the same things over and over. 

They talk of thing that had me stuck there for so long. 

As a broken person who was set free time and time again but ended up going back to the same life. 

As many times as a tried. 

I could never throw them away. 

As if somehow I small part of me was still that person.

As if I could in some ways go back. 

But if I've been made new the old must really go. 

I cannot hold onto who I once was or  live out those words any longer. 

I must not hold on to them. 

So many people have told me that I am not that person anymore. 

I guess I've been keeping the words so prove that at one time I was. 

But then it always leaves a part of me there. 

In the back of my mind I could still at any moment be her. 

When the truth is, 

I am not. 

Dependent.

If there is one word I really do not like. 

It would be "dependent"

Here's what it means: 

1. dependent - relying on or requiring a person or thing for support, supply, or what is needed

2. dependent - contingent on something else

3. dependent - being under the power or sovereignty of another or others

It just sounds weak to me. 

To be honest I'd rather not. 

I don't really love letting other people do things for me, I mean I do, if I really need to. 

I try my best to avoid asking for help. 

I try to do everything for myself. 

I rely on myself a lot.

I guess I learnt to be independent early on. 

I had younger sisters who I helped look after. 

I came home after school alone. 

I learnt to cook so my Mum let me cook for the family. 

I moved out of home at an earlier age then almost all my friends. 

While these are not terrible qualities, they left me with myself as my number one source for everthing. 

God doesn't want me to live like that. 

He wants me to depend not only on myself. 

It still rubs me the wrong way. 

But it's all I am reading lately, it's coming up in conversations and I find myself having to depend on something or someone other then myself. 

Little by little things that I have been relying on such as my income, my own information about things are no longer enough. 

So I'm having to learn to be dependent. 

Firstly on him. 

Secondly on those he has placed in my world. 

I read all these verses that say "apart from me, you can do nothing" 

"Lean not on your own understanding" 

And "the one who called you is completely dependable" 

But then I keep trying to do it on my own. 

I keep relying on my own resources. 

Truth is, it's not enough and it never will be. 

Truth is, I cannot do this alone. 

I need Him. 

He created me so I would depend on Him and He created us for each other. 

So being dependent isn't actually weak, it means doing what he has called us to do together. 

It means being selfless and humble. 

It means walking in unity. 

It means having one cause. 

It means playing my part. 

And it means we are stronger together then we could ever be on our own. 

Trippin

If I keep my eyes on GOD, I won’t trip over my own feet. (Psalm 25:15 MSG)

So I trip over, like, A lot! 

I'll be walking along minding my own business, daydreaming no doubt and then I stumble...on nothing. 

It probably because I am terrible at watching where I am going, I try to look at everything all at once, I get distracted by everything in the entire world, it sounds like I am exaggerating but I am really not. 

So as a result I trip. 

I'm the first to admit that I am guilty of taking my eyes off God all too often, I regularly forget what's really important. 

I start something with the right motives to begin with, I tend to get carried away and forget Who I am doing it for that's when I start to trip. 

Things start going wrong and time and time again I am left wondering why it's not working out. 

It's because my eyes are in the wrong place. 

I am trying to look at everything around me while trying to follow where God is leading me. 

Thing is that's never gonna work. 

I think about it like going on a tour through a bush or something. 

The guide is there to show you the way, if your don't follow him you'll find yourself lost and since you don't know where you are you could be lost for a while. (I'm getting nervous just thinking about it) 

 

Our relationship with God is exactly like that. 

He is leading each of us on a different path and we need to follow him. 

It's easy to look at where he is leading someone else and want to go that way, but it's never gonna work for you. 

It's easy to look at what's happening around you like the disciples did when Jesus said they were taking the boat to the other side, but when they looked at the storm they were afraid. 

The thing Jesus said they were going to the other side. 

It's easy to get caught up in your own ideas and purposes and then wonder why it's not working out. 

Your tripping over your own feet because your not looking at Who is leading you. 

So keep your eyes on Him, He is taking you exactly where you need to be. 

The now season.

A friend sent me some verses the other day, we often have conversations that make my head feel like it may explode, she has an incredible mind and tends to underestimate the impact of her words on my scattered brain.

I don't take things in one by one, nor can I ever think in a straight line, so believe me when I say It was a challenge to write something based on the conversation we had. 

Here goes: 

 Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with him at your side. (1 Corinthians 7:24 MSG)

And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches. (1 Corinthians 7:17 MSG)

What if we thought more about what we are called to do right now, then what we are called to do later? 

Maybe you feel called to preach one day, but right now you are called to Love. 

Maybe you feel like you'll travel the world one day, or write a book, or get married and have a family that serves God together. 

But right now your on the hosting team or working full time to save. 

Because where you are right now actually matters. 

The season your in has a purpose beyond what you can see. 

The preparing seasons are often the biggest growth seasons. 

If I am being real they are my least favorite seasons. 

I understand why I am here and what I am called to and don't get me wrong I am so content with where I am. 

I feel so incredibly blessed to be doing what I am doing and I am blessed with who I am doing it with. 

I just don't like feeling like I'm not "doing" anything. 

There are things I want for my life that are not for this season right now. 

Things that I am called to do, but not right now. 

Things that I know will happen, but they are not for now. 

I often find myself so focused on them that I forget the season I am in is also important. 

I am so busy preparing for then that I forget to be in the season I am in now. 

One thing I am being reminded of is that I am called for the now. 

One thing I am learning is how to do the season I am in well. 

Because how I do this season will shape who I am in the next season. 

The tourist in me.

If I said I was terrified to travel it may be a slight exaggeration, but at the time that's what it was like. 

The thought of being on a plane for a long time and not being able to get out scared me. 

The thought of lots of people scared me. 

Being so far away from home made nervous. 

Basically I'll go anywhere as long as I know I can leave whenever I want. 

In this case I knew I could not. 

But if I did not go it meant living small, in my small little world with just me and my  friends and everything familiar around me. 

I needed to be bigger. 

I have heard people say that when your afraid of something you should do it anyway. 

So I did it afraid. 

Considering that the few weeks before I left were among the worst I'd had anxiety wise, and considering I lost one my clients and my income was instantly halved I was honestly not sure how I would go. 

 

All I can say is I am so glad I did. 

Mostly so I can say I did it, the entire flight smoothly and calmly. 

The crowds, the lights and the many many people. 

My world is so much bigger then what it is. 

I take so much for granted and I don't want to live that way anymore. 

So this post is actually just to say that I am here, I am loving being a tourist and seeing everything. 

I'm grateful to catch up with forever friends and see how the church is advancing in this city. 

Not so scary after all. 

Some pics included to prove my point :) 

Night seasons.

I will bless the LORD who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons. (Psalms 16:7 NKJV)

Sometimes it's so dark and that's just the truth of it. 

We can't always put things in a less confronting way. 

Our world is dark and broken. 

Sometimes we are too. 

We can't always see God in the season we are in and people cannot always see God in us. 

We often act like we don't know him at all. 

Sometimes stuff happens that leave us so gutted that all we see is the darkness. 

And sometimes we just can't see him in it just yet. 

What's in your heart at that moment? 

"My heart instructs me in the night seasons" 

When I cannot see anything but Darkness, what is my heart telling me to do? 

I never completely realized the importance of what I am putting in my heart. 

What I am reading, what I am looking at and what conversations I am having. 

Because in the night seasons that's what I am going back to. 

And it works. 

When I find myself wandering and I don't know how to get back I remember the conversations that effected my heart, I remember the revelations I've had and I remember the moments God spoke so clearly to my heart. 

Then I know where to go next. 

Warning: gross friendship appreciation post.

I have noticed that the people around me point me continually to Jesus. 

 

Those closest to me Love him amidst the trails they face. 

They seek him daily. 

Serve Him with faithfulness. 

They do what they love and they do it so well. 

They worship him with their entire heart. 

They teach their children how to love His house. 

They share revelations with me that blow my mind. 

They make me want to be so close to him. 

Even when I find myself looking towards anything else and thinking about everything else. 

When I cannot for even one second quiet the chaos that is my mind to hear his voice or feel his presence. 

When I cannot focus on his word.

When I screw up for the millionth time. 

When I find myself far away. 

They make me want to cling to him. 

I watch them Love him and have an intimacy with him that I struggle sometimes to have and it makes my heart ache for him and lean towards him even more. 

They are relentless and passionate and undeserving, but they don't stop loving him. 

They know Grace and they walk in it. 

So even when I feel like I am straying. 

When I feel not good enough, unsure of my faith. 

When I get annoyed at them for no viable reason or when I feel like I could maybe just do it on my own. 

I can see one thing and it points me to him all over again. 

I have one conversation and it's exactly what I needed to hear. 

And I just know I am blessed to be doing this with them. 

So if you happen to be one of them Thank you!! 

You make my life richer and my faith stronger. 

Surrender.

There is brokenness in all of us. 

Tiny fractures that beg to be mended, and we are forever searching for ways to mend them. 

To piece back together parts of us that are nothing more then the result of a fallen world. 

We strive to remain whole or to hide that we are not, from those who are also not. 

We strive to hold to our innocence until our knuckles are so white they begin to numb. 

We place it all upon ourselves until we buckle under the weight of it. 

When from the moment of our first breathe we were tainted. 

We could never have earned any if it. 

We never stood a chance from the beginning. 

We cannot piece ourselves back together with anything this world has to offer. 

We are born into brokenness. 

Our only hope for cleansing comes from throwing ourself in a million different pieces into the one who made every single piece of us with His very hands. 

Who with a single breathe created and with a single breath can create again. 

We must give ourselves to him. 

We must allow him to move over every bit of us. 

We must surrender. 

And we must do it over and over again. 

Straight paths.

Doors that I depended on being open are closing and doors that I expected to be opened have not yet. 

So while things I thought I was called to in this moment are no longer there and things I am sure I am called to do are not yet happening. 

I'm kind of stuck in the midst of a lot of closed doors with not a lot happening and not a lot i can do about it. 

Being in between a finised season and a season I am waiting for is not the ideal place I would like to be. 

I am usually I planner. I like to not only have a plan A and B but I would ideally like to have plans all the way to Z, just so I know I have things covered. 

In the space of about a month things changed before I had any time to properly prepare for them or understand what it would all look like.

Basically I lost a job today which means a decent pay cut and a lot more spare time. 

Funny thing is I am ok with it. 

It means changing how I do life in this season and learning to slow down a little. 

It means not being constanstly moving and busy. 

It means being still.

However the second I heard the news I started planning what I could do about it and planning how I could fix it or change it. 

My first instinct was to lean on my own understanding. 

And then suddenly I just felt like I shouldn't actually do anything about it. 

Which means more then ever learning to trust God when I have no idea what will happen next. 

It means learning to wait and not taking a step anyway just so I know I'm still moving. 

It means actually trusting him with all my heart. 

The thing is everything about life is fickle, nothing lasts, nothing ever stays the same. 

We are surrounded by so many variables with God remaining the only constant thing. 

Which brings me to this verse: 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

To me it's saying a few things

It's talking about trusting God with all your heart, not just a little part and then with the rest trusting in yourself or others or what you have in life. 

It's talking about not leaning on your own understanding not depending on what you know, cos God does not always reveal everything to us. 

But it's the last bit that gets me because it says submit your ways to The Lord and he will MAKE your paths straight. 

Not he will always keep your paths straight all the time. 

Or he will show you how to make them straight. 

But it's after you submit and surrender your ways to him that he makes then straight. 

It's after you trust him that he shows you why you need to. 

And it means that it's ok if your paths do not look straight right now. 

Worship without words.

If we worshiped without song lyrics, what would be your song? 

I asked myself this question during worship, because often I used to just wait in those parts of the worship where we are invited to sing our own song to The Lord for the lyrics to come back up on the screen. 

I guess I never really had one. 

I Love song lyrics. 

I find myself reading them over and over, thinking about what they mean. 

Wondering what the person who wrote them was thinking or feeling at the time. 

I think they are incredibly important in worship and often it's how God will speak to me during a service. 

But lately I have found myself being captivated by the part in the service where the band is just playing and the team is just singing out of their own heart to God, where they are glorifying him in there own words. 

I feel like more then ever in these moments the presence of God can settle on us. 

It's in these moments that He can whisper his words. 

And it's often in these moments that I could burst with how much I Love God. 

I find myself watching and listening in these moments. 

I find my spirit being strengthened by the words that the worship leader is saying and by the praises they are speaking to our God. 

Lately though God has been urging me to not sit back and just watch and listen but to actually be with him in these moments. 

I am by nature an observer, I often just sit and watch things happen around me, so I am so content to sit back and just be there in his presence and while there is power in that. I'm beginning to see that I'm missing so much more then I ever realized.

I'm missing a chance to have my own moment. To worship without words, without set lyrics and to have my own moment in his presence. 

So far all that has come out of my mouth is "thank you" over and over again. 

It's a start. 

Because if he never did one more single thing for me what he has done should be and is enough for me to be so thankful. 

Sometimes God can be so much more present in the quiet then in the noise and sometimes that's where he speaks the clearest. 

Like clay.

But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. (Jeremiah 18:4-6 NIV)

I read in a book this week that while the potter is making something he never once takes his hands off the clay.

I watched a few YouTube video's and found myself fixated on how they mould a pot or vase or something equally as beautiful out of what was once I hard lump of clay. 

Not once did I see them have to force or push it into position. 

There are no sudden movement or else the clay would be marred and the potter would have to begin again. 

The whole thing looks so gentle and graceful. 

Within the same week I realized something about myself that I was not very happy to discover. 

I am a bit of a control freak.

I was not always the kind of person who needed to have things a certain way, in fact I was a lot more layed back. 

I did not always respond to things in the way I am finding that I do now. 

I saw myself ever so slowly becoming more particular about things that in the big picture don't even matter. 

I would find myself stressing if something did not go the way I had expected it to go in my head and flipping out over things that do not actually effect my life as drastically as I feel they do. 

Anything that was uncertain or unclear would send my stress levels through the roof. 

I constantly felt unsettled and anxious. 

And I could not shake it. 

I could see I was being irrational but it didn't ease my anxiety. 

I could not seem to change the way I was feeling. 

So I started reading up on it and that's when I discovered that piece of information.  

It just make this verse make a whole lot more sense to me. 

That regardless of what my life looks like now and how out of shape everything looks from my perspective, Gods hand is literally on it every single step of the way and like the potter he can see what the end result is supposed to look like. 

Often this looks nothing like what I think it should. 

Still he knows what he is doing. 

If I am to be like clay in his hands, I am to be moldable and flexible. 

Not so he can force or push me into place, but so he can gently mould me into what he needs me to be. 

The faithful one.

It's so hard for me to trust in a completely faithful God when all I know is people who, regardless of how much they try can never be completely faithful. 

Lately everything I am reading and all my conversations about him are taking me back to one thing. 

He is the faithful one. 

Of course I know in my head this is true but often my circumstance looks as if it could be otherwise. 

Sometimes things don't work they way I assumed they would. 

Often things go completely wrong. 

It looks in my natural eyes like this is completely not where I am supposed to be right now. 

What I know that God has clearly said will happen is not at all happening. 

I have hard seasons and I find myself far away from him and thinking I could not possibly outwork my calling while being this person. 

In the midst of that season I find myself in church at a young adults event. 

It's after the message and my pastor begins to point people out and encourage them, give words of wisdom and speak into their lives. 

I Love it when he does this, I could listen for hours and watch as God one by one is confirming things in people through what he speaks over their lives. 

I automatically disqualify myself as one of those people, things like that don't happen to me. 

Then he says my name, I automatically want to be invisible, but then he says something I have not been able to stop thinking about. 

"One thing God cannot do is lie, and he cannot, not be faithful to those who are faithful." 

He went on to encourage me about being consistent and continueing to be faithful towards God. 

I had never planned on physically going anywhere apart from the house or not  being consistent in what I was currently doing, however something very slight had began to change in my heart. 

I was doubting things God had been saying because it looked like it wasn't going to happen. 

I was questioning his faithfulness because what I could see was not what I expected his faithfulness to look like. 

I was wavering in my trust in him. 

But he is still faithful. 

It's impossible for him not to be faithful. 

He cannot break a promise or not do what he has said.

He is not a man that he should lie, and he does not change his mind. 

What he had said did not change once. 

He didn't change his mind or give up. 

It's more just a matter of me learning that regrarldless of what things look like now. 

If he said it, he will do it. 

Out of the storm.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: (Job 38:1 NIV)

I always looked at this verse as if God was throwing it in Job's face. 

Like this was the ultimate come back that God had for his trial and his storm. 

I honestly thought it was a bit harsh of God to throw all these questions at Job. 

I have not been able to get this single line out of my head though.. 

He answered him from the storm. 

In the middle of his confusion and his pain God spoke. 

Can you imagine how overwhelming that would have been? 

I wish that I could hear the tone in Gods voice as he spoke this. 

I cannot be sure, but I think the reason it happened like this is because in the middle of a storm you cannot hear a whisper. 

I spend so much of my time trying to shut up my thoughts so I can hear him clearly when the fact is he doesn't need me to do that.

He can speak in the quiet and in the loud. 

He can both whisper and shout.  

It's more like God is making a point of how much greater then the trial He is, he is telling us the regardless of how fierce the storm is he is so much bigger then it. 

God doesn't always change our circumstances before he speaks, he does not always quiet the storm to we can hear his whisper. 

He speaks out of the storm so we can focus more on his voice then what we are currently facing. 

Glorify

From the very core of myself I want to glorify him. 

With every breath and every single heartbeat I want nothing more then for my life to bring glory to his wonderful name. 

My life in its own holds no glory, it tells not a story of hope or mercy, but a tale of despair and selfish desire. 

When his life brought nothing but perfect glory and collided with mine, pouring upon it hope and mercy in abundance. 

My heart did not always long for God or walk in his light, sometimes It takes it's own turn and quiets the whisper of his voice. 

It breaks his heart. 

But oh in my soul.

In the very core of soul I long to glorify his beautiful name with everything that I am. 

The less deserving.

 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. (Psalm 103:10 NIV)

Thank God that we are not payed what we deserve. 

I used to think that in some way I had to deserve Grace. 

I needed to be perfectly in his will and following him to have it. 

I used to see it as some were more deserving of Grace and some were less deserving of it. 

I always somehow ended up in the less deserving category. 

I look at others lives and how much grace they have and it's perfectly ok to me. 

Then I look at my own life and feel like God should really just overlook me and give it to someone who "deserves" it. 

But the thing is nobody ever deserves it. 

If we could earn it or gain it or control it in anyways it would be based on us and not him. 

Then it wouldn't be Grace would it? 

I am learning more and more how not only does it have little to do with me, but that it has nothing at all to do with me. 

Not one single good thing can give me more and not one single stuff up can give me less. 

It's a little bit scary to me how I have so much I do not even slightly deserve and I constantly ask myself why. 

Because he Loves me never seems to be a good enough reason in my mind. 

But yet that is the single only reason I have any Grace at all. 

With all my heart.

"I'll Love you with all my Heart, I'll love you with all my soul Lord, I'll love you with all my strength, with all that is within me" 

At the moment these lyrics are probably some of my Favorite in church. 

They come from a song called "depths" 

and as soon as I hear the first line my heart is attentive and I find myself waiting in anticipation for this part of the song. 

They seem to centre everything around what's actually important. 

I see unity as we sing these words together. 

Everyone focused on the one thing, everyone loving Him with all that they have got. 

And it seems that regardless of what my week or day has been, or how incredibly big this season may be this becomes all that matters. 

It becomes the bottom line, that I keep loving him with everything I have, no matter how big or small it seems. 

That I just keep loving Him with all my heart. 

Rest

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest - Jesus. (Matthew 11:38) 

I am not good at resting. 

I can sit still but I cannot be still. 

I can do nothing but I can never really completely stop. 

My brain constantly goes a million ways at a time, with no intention of ever stopping. 

It's exhausting and energizing all in the same moment. 

Lately I have needed to rest, I mean really needed to rest. 

I've been getting sick, forcing me to take way too many days off work and just not being able to do anything well. 

But as soon as I have to let my body and mind rest, I cannot. 

I think of a million things I could be doing. 

I stress about things I need to do or haven't done. 

I realized it's because I feel like it's a waste of time. 

I feel useless. 

If I sit and do nothing then I am essentially achieving nothing. 

I got the afternoon off a few weeks ago and though I was excited i knew I would not be able to rest. 

I made plans to do something but not focus on me, perfect! 

Well it didn't end up happening and instead I played my phone for 3 hours before I gave up waiting and went home. 

The whole entire time I was so frustrated. I could have rested, I was still but not at all resting. 

I was exhausting myself. 

I felt like I had wasted my whole day, I got home and went to bed but still felt I was meant to be doing something else. 

Thing is though even Jesus rested. 

Even he got away from it all, even he slept and he tells us to do the same. 

His intention is always for us to draw from him and then pour that out upon our lives. 

He intends for us to give out of the overflow, but if we are not getting from him what are we outputting? 

Essentially it means we are doing it in our own strength and that's why it's so unbelievingly exhausting. 

So I'm working on it. I'm making time to draw from him daily and I'm noticing an ease about my days. 

I'm daily reminding myself to slow down in hopes that one day I can completely be still.  

Soon you will understand.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” (John 13:6-7 NIV)

I have to say that I completely get where Peter is coming from here, I can relate to his confusion and I understand his hesitation. 

If you see it from his perspective this is the most Holy person on earth, someone without a single flaw or faliure, wanting to wash their very dirty feet. 

It doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. 

I never understood why Jesus would want to be in our mess with us, why he would want to wash us of it. 

Our very first instinct is to hide it from him, to put forth to him only our best. We give him what we think he wants and leave the rest out. 

We are always so concerned with making sure he and everybody else sees the best of us, the best of our worship, the best of our serving and the best of our character. 

This concerns most us so much that as soon as he comes to something messy or imperfect within us we don't want him to have to deal with it, so we try to do it on our own.  

 We perceive that He is far higher then our mess as if it would somehow taint him as it has us. 

But here he says so clearly "you don't know why I am doing this, but soon you will understand" This concept is honestly so incredibly hard for me to grasp. I don't do uncertainty well, not knowing what might happen tends to make me anxious. 

Which is funny cos with God not only do we never know what might happen, we often have absolutely no idea.  

I lived so much of my life hiding every imperfection from God, that I now know he could see the whole time, I never let anyone see my flaws or showed emotion, it was actually really exhausting. It came to point where I couldn't do it anymore, and when Jesus stepped in, I acted just like Peter did here. As soon as he stepped I. though, I realized I had no idea how to clean it up, all of me had spilled out for all to see and I was left with no choice. but to let him do would I could not. 

It was messy and it was by far the hardest season I have ever walked through, but in the end he was right. 

I do understand now. 

I know exactly why I had to go through it then and why I may have to "let him wash my feet" again in the future. 

It's only once we are out of the mess stronger and more refined then we were before that we understand why He does what He does. 

The hardest part being trusting him when we have no idea what's going. 

Forgiving when we don't know why. 

Letting go of things we are so sure we need to hold onto. 

Showing weaknesses that we have kept hidden. 

Talking about the hard stuff. 

Coming to him with the worst of us knowing that while he is higher then our mess, he is also in our mess with us and he intends to bring us out of it. 

We don't always need to know why God is doing what he is doing. 

We just need to trust him in it anyway, because soon we will understand.  

Starving.

I Love Sundays! They are my Favorite day of the week, they are busy and long but they are the best day. 

I see people that I don't get a chance to during the week, I get to worship, I get to serve and I get to watch my friends serve God and grow better at what they do. I get to see my family and I am refreshed again. Regardless of how bad or hard my week has been as soon as I'm there it honestly doesn't matter anymore. 

I noticed a pattern over the past couple of weeks that I thought was good but realized has been draining me. 

I noticed I was exhausted every other day of the week, just trying to get through my week waiting for Sunday. 

I was struggling through my work days with no refreshment, growing more tired and irritable just holding on until it got to another Sunday. It honestly left me exhausted. 

I was Starving. 

I was failing to actually feed myself and waiting for someone else to feed me every week and it wasn't enough. 

I knew in my head the importance of seeking God for myself, but put it down to not having time because I work long days. 

But in the same way I make time to eat and catch up with friends during the week. 

I need to make time to seek God for myself and let him speak to me. 

It's been a few days and I already feel and see a difference in me. 

I realized it's not that hard, it doesn't take long and it's crazy good for my soul. 

See ya Sunday! 

Does the voice of Evil sound sweet?

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ ” “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:1-5 NIV)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, 

How we expect the voice of evil to sound just that, Evil! 

Like on the movies with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on another. Each urging the person to choose their way. 

That's how we expect it to sound, so we know what it is and so we can avoid it. 

However it almost never does, it doesn't ever sound like it wants to hurt us otherwise I don't think we would follow that voice. 

I mean really, who in there right mind would follow something that sounds Evil and scary. 

It brings me to this question: did the serpent actually sound sweet to Eve? 

We always talk about how the fruit must have looked so sweet and juicy, but we never talk about how satan sounded to Eve when he tricked her into eating it. It says he was more crafty then all of the other animals, he was sneaky about it, his whole aim being for Eve to trust his word above God's. 

We assume he was all creepy and that if we had been in the same position we would have known it was him and not listened to him. (Genesis 3) 

But we do it all the time, because it never sounds like that. 

Compromise does not sound like it will hurt us, and then it does. 

Addiction always sounds like just this once or just once more, before it captures us. 

Sin never sounds like it will take us that far away from God, and then we find ourselves wondering how we got so lost. 

Because if it sounded Evil we would never listen to it. We would know and we would run. 

I think the only way to know for sure is to know Gods voice from all the others. Like when it says the sheep know my voice or when Mary knows It's Jesus as soon as he says her name. 

When we know his voice clearer then all the others it doesn't matter how sweet evil sounds. His voice is always much sweeter. 

Doing good.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9) 

I'm going to be honest here and say that this verse frustrates me just a little bit. 

Lately because it's been on my mind everyday, not because I heard it or read about it but more then likely because I may have been inwardly getting tired of always doing what I need to do as apposed to what I want to be doing which to be honest, is often sleeping or watching tv till my eyes fall out. 

Sometimes "doing good" is hard, inconvenient and exhausting. 

It is always a choice. 

It means being the bigger person. 

It means giving without expecting to gain. 

It means choosing not act out on emotion or react before thinking how it will effect someone else. 

It means putting people before ourselves. 

And while I am still being honest, sometimes, I don't want to. 

Maybe that explains why I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about this verse. 

However today when I read it I was reminded of the second half " at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" 

As much as I would really love to know when that proper time will be, I am learning to be completely ok with doing good because it's bigger then my own little world, even if that means that "harvest" is not for me. 

It led me to ask myself.

What if my doing good is adding to someone else's harvest? 

What if my doing good is helping someone else not give up for a little longer? 

What if my doing good isn't actually about me? 

More then all this is the fact that while we could be right on the verge of giving up the harvest could be just a moment away. 

Loose your life: Find your life.

 “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms. (Luke 17:33 MSG)

It's funny how all of a sudden this verse makes so much sense to me, when I had read it or heard it a thousand times and never been impacted. 

It seems we spend so much time trying to build our own life, wanting to do stuff on our own terms. 

We are doing stuff our own way and wondering why it's not working. 

Further more we are trying to get God to agree to our terms and follow our agenda. 

Yes! We definitely want his help and we need him to answer us, but we want him to do it our way. 

When what he is saying here is when you lay all that down, that's when you actually find your life the way it's supposed to be. 

You cannot choose God and take parts of your old self with you, it has to complete surrender.

It must be the whole of you. 

It's in that moment when you find your life being built up right before your eyes and God making things happen that you did not even consider being possible. 

It's in that moment that you find your agenda not even mattering because the second your trusting him with your whole self, you realize what he has for you is far greater in every way possible. 

It's when you feel like you have lost your ideal life that you turn around and find your actual life in Him. 

He speaks between the lines.

Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”). (John 20:11-16 NIV)

Sometimes all he says to me is

my name. 

And regardless of what going on in my mind and heart everything stops. 

Sometimes he repeats it until I can hear him over myself... 

Too often I do not listen, too often I still hold myself back, as if I am the better shield. 

Its always one word in the bible that captures me, I can read passage after passage and not actually focus enough to take in any of it. 

Until I see one thing that is clearer then anything, just one single word that makes total sense. 

I almost always cannot sit through a sermon and listen to a whole message. But he always gets me with one statement or one word. 

He speaks through my distraction and it's exactly what I need to hear. 

And time and time again all he needs to say is my name before I realize who it is that stands before me is far greater then what I think I cannot face. 

 I am stilled even if just for a moment. 

I breathe in the calmness of it. 

I just rest within him. 

Because in this very moment he speaks between the lines. 

He overpowers every distraction. 

He becomes greater then any feelings. 

He becomes louder then my thoughts. 

He stills me. 

In this moment.

He is. 

Forever.

Lately when I spend time with God I am getting the resounding message that He is forever. 

I keep seeing words like everlasting and unfailing.

Phrases like "his love endures", "you are forever" and "God lasts".

It's in the word, it's in the songs we are singing and it's now in my conversations. 

He keeps reminding me of his permanence in my life, that we are in this for good. 

It blows me away how much he knows me, how much he knew that this would bring comfort to me. 

I love things that last, I like things to be settled and I like certainty. 

This just confirms that if I am in this for good he will be there the whole way, because it sometimes scares me that I have nothing to go back to. 

It actually turned my life upside down when I found Jesus, I left everything I knew behind and ruined so many relationships that cannot go back to being the same as they were. 

I cannot go back to my old life, I cannot be the person I was before or do what I did before. 

I cannot undo it or take it back even if I wanted to. 

I cannot erase what I have seen or heard or pretend it didn't all happen. 

I couldn't go back to my old life, as easy as sometimes that seems and as appealing it can be, it's actually not possible. 

And as scary as that is, it's also the best thing ever. 

It means I am in this for good, it means he really is forever. 

Last hope, Only hope.

"And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ” But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” (Mark 5:25-34 NIV)" 

So many things get me about this story, 

How much we can relate to this woman, how much faith and courage she had to do what she did and how in one single moment her life was completely changed by one simple act. 

The thought that I have tonight though is, after 12 years wouldn't you have given up hope? And maybe she had until she heard about Jesus. It says she suffered under the care of many Doctors, but she grew worse, not better. In other words she had tried everything, she had nothing else to go with, she had no money left and she was surely now an outcast. 

Can you imagine how she felt when everything she did ended up making her life harder? When she had literally done everything she could and still had no relief? 

Can you imagine how she felt when she heard that Jesus was coming? 

And yet when Jesus realized what had happened he was not dissapointed that she had not come sooner, or that she did not ask for healing but rather took it. Instead he just praised her for her faith and released her. 

This is so much like our lives. We try everything, we go to so many people and places for help and when nothing works we turn to God and without judgement or anger he heals us in a single moment. 

It's things like this that make me realize that I could not possible Love him more. 

Belong.

So I did something new and scary. 

I did spoken word poetry, which is basically reading something you wrote aloud to a group of people. 

I did it just for fun and I did it because I was scared to. 

I have been writing for a long time and recently starting sharing some of these on here, that in itself was a scary step. Reading it aloud is a whole other level of scary. 

But I did it and even though I read the shortest poem I could find and was shaking the whole time, I did it! 

I learnt something also while watching people share what they had written.

Each one of them extremely unique and each writing style completely different, not one of them looked the same or fit a mould and none of them tried to. 

Everyone of them was looking for the same thing. 

Community. 

Everyone who came and read was welcomed with open arms, everyone was encouraged and everyone was applauded. 

Phrases like "you have found a home here" and "let's show them the love that we have all experienced" were thrown around, and it dawned on me. 

Something I am familiar with on a daily basis and can sometimes take for granted. I am blessed to have the most incredible friends and I am not the same as any one of them, but we get along so well, can talk about anything and do life together. I realized that I belong somewhere and these people do too. 

Every single person is looking for somewhere to belong and find community, because at the end of the day everybody wants to belong somewhere and everybody does belong somewhere, it's our job to make them feel like that are a part of something. To help them feel like are an important part of something. 

So thanks spoken word for welcoming me and encouraging me to step out and do something scary, I really enjoyed it. 

Forever.

Turns out that verse that has been in my head lately that I was having troubling writing about.. Well I wrote about it 8 months ago, funny how God reminds you of these things.. 

Let me know your thoughts on it. 

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind. (Isaiah 40:27 MSG) 

God doesn't come and go God lasts! 

This means he is stable and unchanging, he can be leant on because he will not move. 

He can always be looked to because he will always be there! 

I think in this day and age where nothing is certain and everything is changing people come into your life and then they leave, you have a job and then you don't. We need a rock and if we don't have one we will create one, the problem lies with this.. 

Unless it is God it will move! 

It will not last...

But God does not, he is always the same... 

It's like this statement was written for me. 

I need stability and some sort of safety in my relationship especially. 

I always have "safe" people or people in my inner room, the ones who I feel secure with and accepted regardless of my season. 

However sometimes this creates more instability then it's worth. 

It's takes me a long time to become close to a person, I don't trust easy and I don't open up often. 

Of the few people I am closest too 2 are my sisters and one I must have a soul tie to or something because I seem to trust her with more then some that I have known for years. 

So when I do end up letting someone close and it doesn't work out it can leave me shaken. 

That's whats so great about this verse for me is that it reminds me who to place my full trust in. 

Him! 

Because he never moves, or changes or leaves! And It will never get more stable then that! 

Warning: The post is about my cat.

First of all Sorry if your not a cat person, I feel sorry for you,I really do. 

Second of all this is infact my first and only crazy cat lady post... 

Finally, this post is not in any way deep or spiritual haha! 

But I love my cat so...

I myself was not a cat person as such, not really an animal lover you would say, not at all warm and fuzzy or soft hearted in the least. 

I was actually slightly appathetic and a little antisocial, just happy not to have a strong connection to anyone or anything.. Slowly attempting to become and island of myself, independent and strong. 

Enter Kitten... 

We did not plan on getting him and the decision was made within 10 minutes

of seeing his picture and soley based on the fact the my sister and I had been feeling kinda crap all day. 

What else would cheer us up? 

So we left where we were and picked him up immediately. 

Now me, still not overly smitten with him saw him and thought "yeah he's kinda cute, I guess" 

I got in the car and my sister got in after with the kitten, I looked over and he moewed and Bam! I litirally burst into tears, yes I was actually crying like an idiot over a cat. 

Because I honestly did not expect to actually feel Love for a cat, to actually care about an animal as much as I would a human, it took my heart by surprise. 

We took him to who my friend who hadn't been feeling well that day and to meet her cat, now they are best friends and have lame cat play dates. 

Now I melt over almost everything he does. 

Lord help me when I have a baby of my own because I will litirally not be able to handle how much I Love them and will be a complete mess over everything! 

He is a huge sook, eats way too much, runs around like a maniac and bites everything. But then he comes and falls asleep on me and like a crazy cat lady I cannot help but just swoon over him. 

So long story short I love my cat guys! 

Grateful.

If there is one thing I never fail to take away from any Summerfest or conference it's this. 

I don't want to be anywhere else. 

I don't want to do anything else with my life. 

I don't want to do life any other way. 

As I watch those I care about encounter God, some for the first time. 

As I see my friends families being changed right before my very eyes. 

Young people praying for each other and standing along side each other. 

People conquering. 

Poeple overcoming. 

As I watch as those I love step into what God has for them and recieve things I have prayed over their lives. 

I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that I get to be amongst this. 

And it makes every hard moment worth it, every time I ever felt like I couldn't do it anymore, every moment I wanted to give up fades away as I watch Him move among those I care about most. 

And It makes me love him so much more. 

(Photo Cred: Nathan Hyratt) 

Welcome back.

I think sometimes we are programmed to feel disappointment stronger then we feel Love. 

It might be because of our past or insecurity but it seems harder the think about how proud someone might be of us, rather then think of what we have done to disappoint people. 

I had always struggled to feel like God Loved me, I always knew it in my head but I never felt his Love easily or that he was proud of me. 

The second I screwed up though, I felt his disappointment instantly, I felt like he was ashamed of me. 

Half the time I didn't care, if he was already ashamed then I didn't wanna come back and feel that. 

I would instead run further into whatever I had got myself into. 

This is exactly the opposite of what he wants us to do. 

Every time someone in bible came back to Jesus he did not scorn them, he accepted them. 

He never once said he was disappointed. 

He never said he was ashamed to have them back. 

He just welcomed them back with open arms. 

He healed them, he set them free. 

And his Love was exactly the same when they came back. 

His love was just as deep for them. 

The prodigal son is my all time favorite example of this. 

He asks for his inheritance and his father in his love for his son gives it to him. 

Then he does exactly what he wants with it, he lives selfishly without regard to how his father might feel.

The bible says that when he came to then end of himself he thinks about how his father servants have even more then him. 

He is ashamed and cannot possibly come back as a son, but maybe, just maybe he can earn his way back to his father by serving him. 

He prepares a speech about how he has sinned and is no longer worthy. 

But when he goes to say it, his father welcomes him with open arms and rejoices. 

Isn't this what we do with God? 

And yet every single time we come back, this is exactly how he greets us. 

We prepare a speech about how we have sinned and aren't worthy.

He welcomes us with open arms. 

He Loves us.