Grace

“The LORD is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in compassion and lovingkindness.”

PSALM 103:8 AMP

Isn't it just like God to be gracious in our worst moments? 

For some reason I was thinking about this last night. 

How many moments He showed immense kindness in the middle of my anger. 

How many times he showed compassion amongst my worst mistakes. 

How he Loved even while I was facing away from Him. 

So many times when I had been upset with God about how things turned out, about prayers that He did not answer in the way I'd been expecting or about things I did not get that I thought I needed. 

I used to be so fearful of feeling those things towards him, as if He'd be so mad at me because of it. 

This one specific time though, His kindness showed up in the middle of one of those Moments. 

I remember being so mad, I'm not even all that sure why. 

Must have been a big deal hey? 

I'd been angry for months! 

At everyone and at everything. 

I'd made so many mistakes out of that anger that I was so sure I could not turn and face God again. I had no explanation for my self destruction other then how I was feeling and that just wasn't good enough. 

I was leading in youth because of course it was better to just hide what was going on them to face it. 

And this one night one of the kids came up and said her parents need to talk to me. 

I was terrified, I'd clearly done something wrong and they found out. 

They obviously knew everything that was going on and now I'm going to be in trouble. 

But I went out anyways. 

I walked out of the gate and they gave my a little box, just to say thankyou for leading their daughter. I opened it and there was a key inside. I was so confused until I looked over and saw a little red car, my first car. 

Gifted to me by a family who will honestly never know how much it meant then and still means now. 

Blessed in my worst moment. 

I spent the next half hour crying in that car because nothing about how I was living my life said that I deserved that car. 

I expected at that point nothing from God. Surely my actions meant He was angry with me and was not going to help me out of the mess I'd made. 

But He just did what He does best. 

Showed me kindness and grace. 

And year and years on I still remember it and thank Him for it. 

Years later I know that it's just like Him to do something like that. 

More.2.0

You said there is more of me, 

I don't even feel like enough 

I'm so sure I'm wasting these moments. 

So scared I'm breaking her down. 

Breaking her trust in me. 

Making her soft place to fall rough. 

She is pure joy and I can see it but I'm not always there. 

If I am in chaos, how can I be her calm? 

And I know it's my fault.

 I should come to you. 

When I'm weary and so tired.

I still don't understand why I avoid it. 

Always feeling it's too late, always finding another way. 

Always busy struggling, always to busy to wait. 

Always wanting to do it myself, 

Never wanting to rely. 

Always trying to stay strong. 

Never let them see me cry. 

Well never crying in the first place 

Just lashing out instead. 

I need you to make me more. 

If what you are asking of me is true 

It's me you have to change 

I need a fresh joy for her. 

I need fresh love 

I need fresh patience.

I need fresh energy.

I need fresh fun. 

I need to remember the waiting, when she was not with me and she was all I wanted and all I thought about and all I prayed for. 

I need to be happy she is here. I need to remember she is my biggest blessing and my number one calling and everything I do is for her. 

I need to be better. 

Not just do better.

I need to be better. 

Please make me more.

Alter

Take the thing you hate. 

The thing you try most to hide away. 

Take what you think is the worst of you. 

The thing you only see as pain. 

The thing you say He cannot use.

Or that you don't want Him too. 

The thing you want nobody to see. 

So they barely notice it anymore.

Take it from the box that you put it, hoping it might just go away. 

Take it out of the darkness. 

Bring it into the light. 

Bring it to the alter, just like the one you see in your head.  

Surrender it to be used, even though you don't understand. 

You might never know why, sometimes trust is confusing. 

Take the thing you hate the most. 

And give it over to Him. 

More.

You know the thing about being a single Mum that's the most terrifying. 

Is that everything is on you, there is no tapping out, no passing the buck or sharing the load. 

And sometimes I don't feel that, I mean it doesn't feel that hard. 

Mostly I've got this.

But what happens if I don't? 

And can I just say first off that I hate posts like this. 

Usually. 

The ones that explain how hard and overwhelming it all is. 

I don't wanna read about it. 

I wanna read about how you are owning this Mum gig like a boss and your kids are great and about how I'm enough. 

Except when I'm not. 

What happens then? 

What happens when I pour out all of me for her and give her everything I have and it's not enough! 

What if she needs more? 

The hardest thing is that there is no more! 

I'm it! 

There is no safety net under me. 

I am her soft place to fall.

And if I'm feeling kind of rough guess what happens to her soft place. 

Ouch! 

Sometimes that pressure alone is enough to make me feel like I cannot actually do this. 

And the other thing is that I chose this! 

I put my hand up to do it alone. 

Volunteered for it to be all on me. 

I knew what I was signing up for all along. 

I still said yes, I'd say yes again. 

Doesn't make it any less hard when it's really hard.

Doesn't make the weight of motherhood any lighter. 

And maybe it's like this for all mothers in general, I really have nothing to compare with.

This is all I know. 

So after struggling with this in my mind and taking it to God to ask if I can really do this, or more along the lines of "why did you ask me to do this?" 

How did He think I was enough? 

Well.. He knew I wasn't and He knew I'd need Him. 

So I guess that was the point of it really. 

Because why would God ask me to do something for Him if I didn't need Him to do it? 

Something else that I don't understand. 

So when I talked to God about it He said "There is more of you" 

He said this when I don't feel like even what I have now is enough. 

How can there be more? 

Because there is more of Him. 

Because He is never not enough. 

So when I am empty, when I have run out of me.

There is more of Him to pour in and then more of me to pour out and when that runs out there is more and it just never ends. 

Like that verse that I love

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

Matthew 5:3 MSG

I feel like sometimes, ok often.... ok mostly every time I really come face to face with God in a massive way I'm in an "end of my rope" season. 

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. 

So I'm sorry this is not an overly encouraging article except to say that if also don't feel like enough you probably aren't and you probably just need to be filled so that you can be more the enough again. 

Be blessed Xx 

Joy

What did He see? 

"What Joy could you see beyond the grave?" 

This is a lyric in one of the songs we have been singing lately and it kind of caught me off guard a little bit. 

What about my life today or even in my future made Jesus want to die for me? 

What "joy set before him" did He see in the years to come that helped him endure the cross? 

Did He see my little girl before I even knew she existed? 

Did He see my family welcome me with open arms when I didn't have anywhere else to go? 

Did He see all the times I said yes to His call even when I wanted to say no? 

Did all the help him endure? 

It talks a lot in the bible about how God saves you in your worse moments, that nothing you do can make Him stop loving you, but when I sang this lyric I was just floored. 

He saw joy in my future. 

Even though I was at my worst when Jesus saved me and He chose to anyway. 

He knew there was joy, He saw the end before He began. 

This verse explains it perfectly. 

“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:2 NIV

Roses

Not often that you're in a bridal party where the bride and groom go above and beyond to bless and serve you, making sure you have snacks and water and time to sit and rest, the groom offering to carry stuff and making sure you are having a good time on their big day.

When I actually stopped and thought about it that's exactly how they both live their lives. 

Not often that the groom spends his entire speech just lifting the people around him up and prophesies over one of his groomsmen. 

I know that all weddings are full of love and people thanking everyone but was an extra authenticity about it that was just present in every single moment. 

Both sets of parents spoke about how much gold was in their child and how happy they were to have a new son or daughter. 

I almost felt like I should have taken some notes during the speeches, I felt like I'd just been at church. 

I mean, I could just go on and on about how stunning the entire day was, how flawless the bride looked. 

How much fun we had as bridesmaids. 

How many people helped make the day a massive win. 

And I do in fact have about 5 other unfinished posts that I need to post but I just wanted to drop in and say that it was a spectacular wedding and I am incredibly honoured to have been a part of it. 

Enjoy your Sunday Xx 

Trusting

Do you ever say yes to something for no other reason then because you felt like God was leading you to? 

I gotta be honest, I rarely ever do that. Something in me needs to be sure that it's where God is leading me, it's not necessary disobedience my yes just takes a little longer. 

I like to think things through, I like to talk with God about it over and over again. His answer never changes but I always feel like I need reassurance and He is so gracious and patient in giving to me over and over again. 

Well this one time I just said yes! 

I got an email, I had NO DETAILS and so before I could doubt I went with God and I just said yes. 

It's not 100% certain but I think that yes will change my life. 

I'm praying it will change someone else's life too. 

Excuse me for being vague but I can't say a lot until the deal is done. 

But I can say this. I said yes to a baby girl. I said yes before I knew anything about her, not her age, not her gender, not her situation. Something I thought I'd never do! 

I have said yes before but something feels different with her this time. I've not met her yet but I love her like she is my own, something that came later with all my previous placements. 

Another different thing is that I've had to wait for her. 

I hate waiting! 

If I knew I'd be waiting this long I would have said no before I got attached. Something tells me God knew that from the beginning, I'm kind of thankful he didn't tell me. 

This is also the hardest I've had to fight to get her with me, I've been more tenacious then I have ever been. I feel fiercely protective already and the harder it gets the more sure I am. 

She's teaching me to trust God in a way I've never needed to before. 

In a way that meant trusting him regardless of how this turns out. 

A couple of days ago I needed that and  I had to dig me heels in. 

I'd been emailing all day, back and forth because something just was not ok with what I had read and been told and what was happening, things weren't moving at all. Something that had been set in stone had not actually been confirmed at all. I was so mad and so scared because this actually means she might not even come at all. So I just got off the phone after being told, and I was faced with more waiting and I really was not sure I could. So many times I wanted to just say no and give up. 

I felt God say as he had before "do you trust that I've got this?" 

I did but I also felt more then ever that I just wanted to give up, but I just couldn't. I just starting cleaning cos ya know that helps when your stressed. I walked up to my room to put something away and I just looked into her already set up room. The room she should already be in. 

So that's what I declared. 

I stood at her door and just cried. 

I asked God to bring her to me. 

I Thank him through my tears and asked him to help me trust him. 

I thanked him that she is safe and that someone was loving her. 

I thanked Him him for holding her in his hands when I couldn't. 

I said to him "I will remember this moment. I will remember that I choose to trust to even when it's so hard and even when it hurts" 

Trust is so hard because it's a choice and not a feeling. 

It cannot be based around getting what we want when we want it. 

It's refined in the waiting. 

It's tested over and over again. 

It's also what brings us back to God over and over again. 

I know that is this waiting season I have been holding to that trust like never before. 

So watch this space and see what happens! 

#Sheiscoming #BLove #Bestcallingever 

Forever.

It has been a year since Hillsong conference already.  It feels like it hasn’t been that long, but then also feels like so much has happened since then. 

I love conference time, I'm always excited to just be there and always, without fail, I am floored by what we are a part of.

Last year was the same, but last year was also incredibly hard for me. 

I remember not so much looking forward to conference. 

I remember feeling like I should be excited, but I was not. 

I remember the songs that we would sing in that season. 

Songs that said "oh praise His name forever more, for endless days we will sing Your praise" 

And 

"For all my days in Your shadow I will remain, oh I could stay here forever" 

I can still feel how incredibly difficult it became for me to sing out those words. 

Not because they were not true, but because they did not feel true for me in that season. 

It seemed like every song we sang had the words forever in them, every verse I read talked about it and preachers would preach and in some way my attention was drawn to it. 

 

Without going into too much irrelevant detail,

I'd gotten to a point where I was just not sure I wanted forever, at least not like it was then. 

I can so clearly remember saying to God "I do not want a forever if it's like this" 

Which is hard to admit when as Christians we look forward to living out our days with God, in his house and there is so much focus on our calling right? 

 

The thing was that from my teens I'd struggled on and off with depression and anxiety and basically just how my emotions affected the way I lived.

I had come so far with it and gotten to a point where I was master over them... well, mostly. 

Until I stepped into my calling.

From the outside I'd gotten my dream!  I'd wanted to be a foster Mum for so long and I believed, prayed and, of course, took all the steps to get there. 

The first few weeks were fine, but obviously it was a major life change and so I was stressed.

According to my Doctor, this triggered a major stress reaction in my body and made me actually, really physically ill. Basically my adrenal system, or something or other went crazy. I'd honestly never felt that sick for such a long time in my entire life. 

But this was everything I had ever wanted! I knew without a doubt that this is what I was meant to do. 

I finally had my dream! I had prayed for every single thing and detail of what I was living in, so from the outside even to my own eyes everything looked like it was going so well, and it was.

So I should have felt like that right? 

I'm furiously typing because I am still so mad about how much joy was robbed at a time which should have been filled with joy and praise. 

Instead I struggled with how I felt and I was ashamed of how I felt, so I did not talk about it and I got to conference and I was beyond done with it. I kind of had the mindset that this was going to happen every time I got stressed or something hard was going on in my world. I did not want to keep ending up in the same place over and over again. That is not the kind of forever I wanted. 

This was not at all what I wanted. Physically it was everything, but by this point the emotional cost was becoming too great. 

I struggled to just keep myself together during conference. I had stuff to do so physically it was fine, but emotionally I was unravelling at a painfully slow pace. Singing those words was like drowning in them because they felt so empty (I could not be more dramatic I know).

It got to the last night and while God had spoken to me and I'd served him "well" that week, I was almost ready to just go home. 

By a fluke I stayed and got a seat for the last worship night. 

The entire time I still had the thought that I could not do a forever if this is what it was going to be like for me. 

 

It took 4 words to completely undo me and if that's all God said the entire conference it would have been more then enough.

The songs started and I started to speak them out and it was still hard for me to believe them. 

I don't remember the exact song or moment, but I remember I was already basically crying more then I was singing. I looked around at the crowd and the band in worship and I remember God so clearly saying "This is your forever" 

It wasn’t about the lights and crowd and the hype, but the genuine love for God and being in the house of God forever serving Him. It does not seem like that much of a big deal and also probably seems obvious, but until that point I had not actually grasped it. 

My crying because it was hard to sing turned into sobbing, maybe out of thankfulness or shock or surrender. 

Because the life that I saw and did not want was not actually the life He intended for me. 

Because what He had wanted to show me was so much bigger if I'd looked to Him and not at how I felt.

 

We hear the best is yet to come on a weekly basis, if not more, but when stuff is actually really hard, do we believe that with our entire heart? 

It's not wishful thinking or being hopeful that our life will turn out ok. 

It's believing with every single part of you that God has your back and that the future He has for you is so much greater then you can ever imagine it to be. 

 

xx

1% matters.

Less then one percent. 

That's how long I got to be her Mumma. 

I remember telling God that it wasn't enough, begging Him for more time with her. 

Another Christmas because we spend her first one in hospital. 

Her first birthday, her first steps. 

But I knew that was unfair because the older she got the more she would miss me. 

That broke my heart so I wanted her to move on soon so she wouldn't miss me. 

So she wouldn't be too attached even though I knew it was too late, we were smitten from day one. 

For so long I wasn't sure when my part was done, I just nervously trusted that I would know when it was. 

It does not get easier to love with your entire self knowing that they will leave. 

The call came and my heart dropped and I felt still nervous because i did not feel done yet. 

I prayed that her new parents would love her like everyone around us had loves her, because everyone did.

Strangers stopped to comment on her. 

I prayed they would take her to house and she would grow up knowing about how Jesus loved her and how he had a plan for her. 

I prayed they would be perfect for her. 

The second they met her I knew I was done, I knew I'd done my part and I knew they were her Mum and Dad. 

Turns out that while we had been praying for them to know Jesus, they were praying the same thing about me. 

Funny how Jesus works like that. 

Funny how he answers before you ask. 

Funny how even though it looks so small it's really so incredibly big. 

1 percent is not a lot, but 1 percent matters. It makes a difference and it means something. 

So the next time you are doing something insignificant. 

Think about how He left the 99 for the 1. 

Remember that you matter. 

Mother's Day.

I remember last Mother's Day, I remember it really well. 

It was my first Mother's Day. 

I remember waking up and instead of feeling celebrated I felt the pressure to feel celebrated. 

Instead of feeling thankful I felt a burden. 

I remember crying a lot that day, so much so that I really thought I would not be able to stop. 

I remember refusing to leave the house. Because I did not feel like I could go and be loved on like the other Mums when I was not living up to expectation I had perceived was there, and It wasn't. 

Nobody expected me to have it all together but me, and I couldn't, so I stayed at home. 

I remember having two beautiful children that I could have enjoyed that day like I had many others, instead I let myself stay where I was. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious and I lost an entire day to that. 

I didn't fight the feelings or challenge the thoughts, I excused myself from the fight. 

I felt sorry for myself. 

To be honest I kind of still feel annoyed at myself for it when I think about it too much. 

I'm just being real because last Mother's Day I was anything but that. 

I wonder why we are so afraid to admit that our emotions are overtaking us?

I wonder why eventually we stop trying to fight them or challange them? 

I wonder why we let them make themselves at home in our mind? 

I wonder why we hide them away? 

This Mother's Day I woke up feeling Blessed that I can even be a Mum, that I have the privilege to Love my baby while I have her and enjoy her (even after she threw up all over me) 

I woke up thinking and feeling different not because I'm some awesome human, but because my feelings are not my master. 

Because time and time again I gave my emotions to my Master. 

When they became out of control, I gave them to the one who was in control. 

Because when they lied to me I told them the truth, and I told it over and over and over again until I believed it. 

Because I refused the accept that this is just how I feel or how I think or who I am. 

Instead I chose to fight. 

Because I choose to believe in a God who says I am worth it. 

So a year on, just one year later and I cannot imagine feeling like I did on that day. 

This year is a Happy Mothers Day! 

I hope you realise and think about how valued you are today! 

XO 

The risk of Love.

I've avoided writing about her. 

For some reason it was just a really hard concept for me to get my head around. 

Seems so easy to tell you about her now. 

She is sweet and funny and oh so very loud. 

I mean she talks all the time! 

She smiles and giggles and almost never stops moving. 

She looks for me when I call her. 

She watches people and her face lights up when they look at her. 

People stop me to say hello to her, to speak life into her. 

She's flooded with Love wherever she goes. 

And I'm captivated by her! 

I have Loved and been Loved before, but it was not until I Loved her like I do that I felt and understood how God must feel about me. 

I'm not even sure I could adequately describe it now. 

Almost like it hurts a little to think about. 

Something's that's both pure and fierce at the same time and I'm sure they should not fit together. 

Yet somehow they do. 

I've never been aware of how much risk it could involve, still, it's so worth it. 

Just like it was worth it for me. 

I get so many comments about how attached people would get, how they could not let them go, I've been warned against getting too attached as if loving her less would make it easier, as if the more I give my heart to her the more pain I'd be causing herself. 

As if it's foolish to Love her as much as a possible can. 

I guess that's a little true. 

It would have hurt less not to love, it hurts less to hold back and to stay distant. 

Yet God did not do that to me, in fact just the opposite. 

Spilling out every available part of himself and sparing nothing to make sure I could be close to him. He took the risk knowing that I could not ever match His Love for me. 

That I could not reciprocate it even if I tried. 

And It all of a sudden makes so much crazy sense to me. 

I'm worth the risk of Love. 

She's worth the risk of Love. 

 

A little on Love

A letter to my baby girl. 

I caught you looking up it me today with the biggest smile, you were in fact meant to be sleeping. 

In fact you have hardly slept all afternoon, it made you grumpy but every so often you look up and smile, makes me wonder what you are thinking. 

And I caught you looking at me the same way I look at you. 

Smitten. Captivated. In Love. 

Exactly as it should be. 

I'm in Love with that look you give me. 

In Love with the way you smile at nothing. 

I'm in Love with you high pitched coo when you are trying to talk back. 

I'm in Love with the way you play with your ear while you feed, or grab my shirt when you fall asleep in my arms. 

I'm in Love with how your cry is more of a yell. 

I'm in Love with how you sigh just before you fall asleep. 

I'm in Love with the way you follow people with your eyes and don't like to face away from the action. 

Wanting to be part of what is going on. 

I'm in Love with everything about you. 

And I do not regret it. 

The goodbye will be that much harder because of it, but your future will be that much more secure as a result of it. 

All in.

I LOVE to write.

 I actually need to do it to process. When stuff gets messy it's the thing that I know for sure will unclutter my brain and bring clarity to whatever is happening. 

But I struggle to write most of the time. 

I do not do it often. 

I'm distracted from it. 

I'm frustrated by it. 

It's not that I avoid the writing itself, Its more of me avoiding the places it comes from. 

The dark places in me. 

The confusion that turns into more clarity with every word I type. 

The fears that loose their power the second I lay them down upon the page. 

The pain that cannot be healed unless it's poured out before Him. 

It's the bravest thing I do because I am putting my heart all over the page as I write. 

What's even more crazy is that I let people read it! 

So I read something today that we are doing as a creative team. 

100 days of being creative. 

Like actually actively creating something or exercising our creativity daily. 

For me, that's writing.... Every... Single... Day. 

I hardly get it together to blog once a month, which is funny because I am writing a blog right now about struggling to write a blog. 

I have at least 5 different half written pieces and even more thoughts about writing pieces. 

As scary as it is, it's also so simple... 

The more you create to more creative you get. 

So I'm in. 

I'm not gonna share everything I write but I am going to write and when I am struggling to write I'm gonna write about that. 

When I thing everything I write is crap, well I'll write about that. 

So I am all in. 

The 100 day creative challenge. 

For what it's worth.

Nobody really talks about the gradualness of grief. I'm not even sure I should call it that really. 

They say that's what it is that you experience when you do short term foster care and your children move on. I always thought not, surely that's not what it's like. It completely is. 

I handle the more ripping off a bandaid kind of pain, like intense pain all at once and then it's over. This is not like that at all. 

It's more like layers of it, not so much that I can even see it or notice it myself until it's right there in my face urging me to actually feel it. To be honest a lot of the time I do not have time for it, which in my brain translates (probably badly) to the fact the people in my world do not really have a heap of time for me to be in this moment that hasn't happen in a set time frame. I live a busy life and I purposefully got busy right after they left purely as a distraction, well I actually I fell ill right after, then I got busy. In my thinking also, it's always busy, far to busy to actually stop and feel it. So it's more like drops that slowly fill up until I find a place to pour it out. 

And I'm sorry for all the metaphors and word plays, I'm not making it try to sound pretty... Ok well maybe I am just cos it's slightly better then being just black and white about it all. 

So there are layers and they are still happening and maybe God created me specifically like that for a reason. 

I'd rather not.

But I guess He knows what He is doing with is all. 

There are moments of remembering something and then feeling like it's going to happen again, but realising it's not. 

Moments of feeling like I'm ready to have them back now and knowing I can't and kind of being ok with it still even though it hurts. 

That moment when you realise they are never coming back that's scarily similar to when someone you love passes away. 

It's funny how it feels the same even though it's not the same thing. 

It's really just still being completely at peace with it, trusting God with it, knowing you did all you were called to do in those moments and grieving for those moments all at the same time. 

To think this is only the first time I have ever done it and that I'm going to do it all over again. 

So totally worth it! 

It's been a long time.

So.... it's been a long time.

I know I meant to write a blog post my babies leaving and I'm gonna get to it soon. There are a lot of emotions for me to put into words and I have not really a lot of breathing space to do that just yet. I tend to be either feeling not a whole lot about it or feeling everything at once so it's a working progress at the moment. I know that I miss them like crazy and a whole lot more then I expected I would, but I feel peace about the part I played. 

Plus there has been a whole lot happening, I've been working like crazy and have a brand new nephew to cuddle plus a friend who had a baby at the same time, plus DW on tour so I've been hanging with Miz a whole heap.. 

But I'm writing a blog now so... 

I've been thinking about the prodigal son a lot and to be hundred percent honest it's taken a long time to swallow my pride and write about it because I kind of related to him a lot lately because it has actually been a long time, since I just sat with Jesus, since I wrote about Him, since I even read my bible. I don't mean like a week I mean it's actually probably been months since I did and do I go thinking about whether this son ever just missed his Dad while he was away. 

I got thinking about that fathers reaction when his son came back out of need, because he wanted his provision and not even as his son but as his servant. 

You know those friends you have in your world who are kind of hard work sometimes, the ones you have to be the one to make the effort with 90% of the time. The ones you sometimes don't hear from for a while and then hear from when they need your help, so you of course do because that's what mates do. 

I just wonder if it was kind of like that with the prodigal son, I mean, he came back because he needed something right? 

What I Love though is how the father reacted to him. 

The same way He does with me when I do what I have done and just do not make him a priority in my personal life, cos I've been to church almost every week the same as I always do. I was sick so I missed a few but I was physically present. 

At home though I was just like him. Just away doing my own thing, missing having time to just sit but not actually making the time for it. 

My own fault really. 

When I actually sat down and did that though, He just did as He always does, listened to me and spoke just like He would have if it was a few months ago. 

So it's been a long time and sometimes I'm just like that son or that friend that's just gone until they are not. 

In the end it's still all good with Him and I. 

Blog about babies will be coming soon. 

Living in the grateful.

I was grateful when she woke me up this morning. 

Grateful when he called out "Mum" from his bedroom. 

Thankful that for now that's still who I am. 

At the moment in thankfulness is where I am. 

Because people have asked how I'm doing, people have asked how I am and how I feel or how I will feel when they are no longer mine. 

All questions I tend to avoid answering. 

Truth is I don't really know about that yet. 

What I know is the now. 

And for now, I'm grateful. 

Grateful that I got her first word, her first clap, first wave. 

Grateful to witness her first crawl...almost- Thanks Rach ;) 

Grateful that I taught him "I Love you" and that now he says it back. 

Grateful that she took her first steps in my kitchen. 

Grateful that they were loved by my entire world. 

Grateful that I took him to his first day of daycare, got him his first scooter and took him to his first zoo and aquarium trip. 

Grateful for all the memories, all the photo's and all the funny stories that are mine to keep. 

That's where i am right now. 

And the tears and sadness will come later.

I will miss them and I will wish they were here. 

I will grieve for his first day of school and her first time riding a bike. 

But even then I will remain thankful for the time I had with them. 

So very grateful that for that season I got to be there Mum. 

Worry or meditate?

I'm a worrier. 

There's no way I can deny it or get around it. 

I just think a lot and I have about 5 different tapes on replay in my head at any given time. 

This also means I am a good meditator. 

The word says to do that, it's good for you. 

In psalm 119 David says he meditate on Gods name. 

Can you imagine that? 

Just thinking about his name over and over again? 

In Philippians 4:8- it says to think and meditate on things that are good and noble. 

And there are so many more. 

Imagine how good our soul will feel if we did that? 

So I've been doing something lately. 

Whilst worrying about really anything God will always drop a word into the mix. 

I am working on going to the word before I talk it out or let it take over my thinking too much. 

So it will be the simplest word, might be a story from his word, something someone said (which I hated hearing at the time) or my Favorite is just a single word. 

Then because I am such an awesome worrier/meditator I think about it over and over and over again. 

Like the story of the prodigal son which I am still attempting to write about. 

So really we have a clear choice, We can worry and think about things over and over... Or we can work on filling our brains with so much of his Word that it's on a constant loop our head. 

So far it's working pretty well for me  :) 

Have a good day!