For what it's worth.

Nobody really talks about the gradualness of grief. I'm not even sure I should call it that really. 

They say that's what it is that you experience when you do short term foster care and your children move on. I always thought not, surely that's not what it's like. It completely is. 

I handle the more ripping off a bandaid kind of pain, like intense pain all at once and then it's over. This is not like that at all. 

It's more like layers of it, not so much that I can even see it or notice it myself until it's right there in my face urging me to actually feel it. To be honest a lot of the time I do not have time for it, which in my brain translates (probably badly) to the fact the people in my world do not really have a heap of time for me to be in this moment that hasn't happen in a set time frame. I live a busy life and I purposefully got busy right after they left purely as a distraction, well I actually I fell ill right after, then I got busy. In my thinking also, it's always busy, far to busy to actually stop and feel it. So it's more like drops that slowly fill up until I find a place to pour it out. 

And I'm sorry for all the metaphors and word plays, I'm not making it try to sound pretty... Ok well maybe I am just cos it's slightly better then being just black and white about it all. 

So there are layers and they are still happening and maybe God created me specifically like that for a reason. 

I'd rather not.

But I guess He knows what He is doing with is all. 

There are moments of remembering something and then feeling like it's going to happen again, but realising it's not. 

Moments of feeling like I'm ready to have them back now and knowing I can't and kind of being ok with it still even though it hurts. 

That moment when you realise they are never coming back that's scarily similar to when someone you love passes away. 

It's funny how it feels the same even though it's not the same thing. 

It's really just still being completely at peace with it, trusting God with it, knowing you did all you were called to do in those moments and grieving for those moments all at the same time. 

To think this is only the first time I have ever done it and that I'm going to do it all over again. 

So totally worth it!