More.2.0

You said there is more of me, 

I don't even feel like enough 

I'm so sure I'm wasting these moments. 

So scared I'm breaking her down. 

Breaking her trust in me. 

Making her soft place to fall rough. 

She is pure joy and I can see it but I'm not always there. 

If I am in chaos, how can I be her calm? 

And I know it's my fault.

 I should come to you. 

When I'm weary and so tired.

I still don't understand why I avoid it. 

Always feeling it's too late, always finding another way. 

Always busy struggling, always to busy to wait. 

Always wanting to do it myself, 

Never wanting to rely. 

Always trying to stay strong. 

Never let them see me cry. 

Well never crying in the first place 

Just lashing out instead. 

I need you to make me more. 

If what you are asking of me is true 

It's me you have to change 

I need a fresh joy for her. 

I need fresh love 

I need fresh patience.

I need fresh energy.

I need fresh fun. 

I need to remember the waiting, when she was not with me and she was all I wanted and all I thought about and all I prayed for. 

I need to be happy she is here. I need to remember she is my biggest blessing and my number one calling and everything I do is for her. 

I need to be better. 

Not just do better.

I need to be better. 

Please make me more.

Alter

Take the thing you hate. 

The thing you try most to hide away. 

Take what you think is the worst of you. 

The thing you only see as pain. 

The thing you say He cannot use.

Or that you don't want Him too. 

The thing you want nobody to see. 

So they barely notice it anymore.

Take it from the box that you put it, hoping it might just go away. 

Take it out of the darkness. 

Bring it into the light. 

Bring it to the alter, just like the one you see in your head.  

Surrender it to be used, even though you don't understand. 

You might never know why, sometimes trust is confusing. 

Take the thing you hate the most. 

And give it over to Him. 

More.

You know the thing about being a single Mum that's the most terrifying. 

Is that everything is on you, there is no tapping out, no passing the buck or sharing the load. 

And sometimes I don't feel that, I mean it doesn't feel that hard. 

Mostly I've got this.

But what happens if I don't? 

And can I just say first off that I hate posts like this. 

Usually. 

The ones that explain how hard and overwhelming it all is. 

I don't wanna read about it. 

I wanna read about how you are owning this Mum gig like a boss and your kids are great and about how I'm enough. 

Except when I'm not. 

What happens then? 

What happens when I pour out all of me for her and give her everything I have and it's not enough! 

What if she needs more? 

The hardest thing is that there is no more! 

I'm it! 

There is no safety net under me. 

I am her soft place to fall.

And if I'm feeling kind of rough guess what happens to her soft place. 

Ouch! 

Sometimes that pressure alone is enough to make me feel like I cannot actually do this. 

And the other thing is that I chose this! 

I put my hand up to do it alone. 

Volunteered for it to be all on me. 

I knew what I was signing up for all along. 

I still said yes, I'd say yes again. 

Doesn't make it any less hard when it's really hard.

Doesn't make the weight of motherhood any lighter. 

And maybe it's like this for all mothers in general, I really have nothing to compare with.

This is all I know. 

So after struggling with this in my mind and taking it to God to ask if I can really do this, or more along the lines of "why did you ask me to do this?" 

How did He think I was enough? 

Well.. He knew I wasn't and He knew I'd need Him. 

So I guess that was the point of it really. 

Because why would God ask me to do something for Him if I didn't need Him to do it? 

Something else that I don't understand. 

So when I talked to God about it He said "There is more of you" 

He said this when I don't feel like even what I have now is enough. 

How can there be more? 

Because there is more of Him. 

Because He is never not enough. 

So when I am empty, when I have run out of me.

There is more of Him to pour in and then more of me to pour out and when that runs out there is more and it just never ends. 

Like that verse that I love

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

Matthew 5:3 MSG

I feel like sometimes, ok often.... ok mostly every time I really come face to face with God in a massive way I'm in an "end of my rope" season. 

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. 

So I'm sorry this is not an overly encouraging article except to say that if also don't feel like enough you probably aren't and you probably just need to be filled so that you can be more the enough again. 

Be blessed Xx 

Joy

What did He see? 

"What Joy could you see beyond the grave?" 

This is a lyric in one of the songs we have been singing lately and it kind of caught me off guard a little bit. 

What about my life today or even in my future made Jesus want to die for me? 

What "joy set before him" did He see in the years to come that helped him endure the cross? 

Did He see my little girl before I even knew she existed? 

Did He see my family welcome me with open arms when I didn't have anywhere else to go? 

Did He see all the times I said yes to His call even when I wanted to say no? 

Did all the help him endure? 

It talks a lot in the bible about how God saves you in your worse moments, that nothing you do can make Him stop loving you, but when I sang this lyric I was just floored. 

He saw joy in my future. 

Even though I was at my worst when Jesus saved me and He chose to anyway. 

He knew there was joy, He saw the end before He began. 

This verse explains it perfectly. 

“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:2 NIV

Roses

Not often that you're in a bridal party where the bride and groom go above and beyond to bless and serve you, making sure you have snacks and water and time to sit and rest, the groom offering to carry stuff and making sure you are having a good time on their big day.

When I actually stopped and thought about it that's exactly how they both live their lives. 

Not often that the groom spends his entire speech just lifting the people around him up and prophesies over one of his groomsmen. 

I know that all weddings are full of love and people thanking everyone but was an extra authenticity about it that was just present in every single moment. 

Both sets of parents spoke about how much gold was in their child and how happy they were to have a new son or daughter. 

I almost felt like I should have taken some notes during the speeches, I felt like I'd just been at church. 

I mean, I could just go on and on about how stunning the entire day was, how flawless the bride looked. 

How much fun we had as bridesmaids. 

How many people helped make the day a massive win. 

And I do in fact have about 5 other unfinished posts that I need to post but I just wanted to drop in and say that it was a spectacular wedding and I am incredibly honoured to have been a part of it. 

Enjoy your Sunday Xx 

Trusting

Do you ever say yes to something for no other reason then because you felt like God was leading you to? 

I gotta be honest, I rarely ever do that. Something in me needs to be sure that it's where God is leading me, it's not necessary disobedience my yes just takes a little longer. 

I like to think things through, I like to talk with God about it over and over again. His answer never changes but I always feel like I need reassurance and He is so gracious and patient in giving to me over and over again. 

Well this one time I just said yes! 

I got an email, I had NO DETAILS and so before I could doubt I went with God and I just said yes. 

It's not 100% certain but I think that yes will change my life. 

I'm praying it will change someone else's life too. 

Excuse me for being vague but I can't say a lot until the deal is done. 

But I can say this. I said yes to a baby girl. I said yes before I knew anything about her, not her age, not her gender, not her situation. Something I thought I'd never do! 

I have said yes before but something feels different with her this time. I've not met her yet but I love her like she is my own, something that came later with all my previous placements. 

Another different thing is that I've had to wait for her. 

I hate waiting! 

If I knew I'd be waiting this long I would have said no before I got attached. Something tells me God knew that from the beginning, I'm kind of thankful he didn't tell me. 

This is also the hardest I've had to fight to get her with me, I've been more tenacious then I have ever been. I feel fiercely protective already and the harder it gets the more sure I am. 

She's teaching me to trust God in a way I've never needed to before. 

In a way that meant trusting him regardless of how this turns out. 

A couple of days ago I needed that and  I had to dig me heels in. 

I'd been emailing all day, back and forth because something just was not ok with what I had read and been told and what was happening, things weren't moving at all. Something that had been set in stone had not actually been confirmed at all. I was so mad and so scared because this actually means she might not even come at all. So I just got off the phone after being told, and I was faced with more waiting and I really was not sure I could. So many times I wanted to just say no and give up. 

I felt God say as he had before "do you trust that I've got this?" 

I did but I also felt more then ever that I just wanted to give up, but I just couldn't. I just starting cleaning cos ya know that helps when your stressed. I walked up to my room to put something away and I just looked into her already set up room. The room she should already be in. 

So that's what I declared. 

I stood at her door and just cried. 

I asked God to bring her to me. 

I Thank him through my tears and asked him to help me trust him. 

I thanked him that she is safe and that someone was loving her. 

I thanked Him him for holding her in his hands when I couldn't. 

I said to him "I will remember this moment. I will remember that I choose to trust to even when it's so hard and even when it hurts" 

Trust is so hard because it's a choice and not a feeling. 

It cannot be based around getting what we want when we want it. 

It's refined in the waiting. 

It's tested over and over again. 

It's also what brings us back to God over and over again. 

I know that is this waiting season I have been holding to that trust like never before. 

So watch this space and see what happens! 

#Sheiscoming #BLove #Bestcallingever 

Forever.

It has been a year since Hillsong conference already.  It feels like it hasn’t been that long, but then also feels like so much has happened since then. 

I love conference time, I'm always excited to just be there and always, without fail, I am floored by what we are a part of.

Last year was the same, but last year was also incredibly hard for me. 

I remember not so much looking forward to conference. 

I remember feeling like I should be excited, but I was not. 

I remember the songs that we would sing in that season. 

Songs that said "oh praise His name forever more, for endless days we will sing Your praise" 

And 

"For all my days in Your shadow I will remain, oh I could stay here forever" 

I can still feel how incredibly difficult it became for me to sing out those words. 

Not because they were not true, but because they did not feel true for me in that season. 

It seemed like every song we sang had the words forever in them, every verse I read talked about it and preachers would preach and in some way my attention was drawn to it. 

 

Without going into too much irrelevant detail,

I'd gotten to a point where I was just not sure I wanted forever, at least not like it was then. 

I can so clearly remember saying to God "I do not want a forever if it's like this" 

Which is hard to admit when as Christians we look forward to living out our days with God, in his house and there is so much focus on our calling right? 

 

The thing was that from my teens I'd struggled on and off with depression and anxiety and basically just how my emotions affected the way I lived.

I had come so far with it and gotten to a point where I was master over them... well, mostly. 

Until I stepped into my calling.

From the outside I'd gotten my dream!  I'd wanted to be a foster Mum for so long and I believed, prayed and, of course, took all the steps to get there. 

The first few weeks were fine, but obviously it was a major life change and so I was stressed.

According to my Doctor, this triggered a major stress reaction in my body and made me actually, really physically ill. Basically my adrenal system, or something or other went crazy. I'd honestly never felt that sick for such a long time in my entire life. 

But this was everything I had ever wanted! I knew without a doubt that this is what I was meant to do. 

I finally had my dream! I had prayed for every single thing and detail of what I was living in, so from the outside even to my own eyes everything looked like it was going so well, and it was.

So I should have felt like that right? 

I'm furiously typing because I am still so mad about how much joy was robbed at a time which should have been filled with joy and praise. 

Instead I struggled with how I felt and I was ashamed of how I felt, so I did not talk about it and I got to conference and I was beyond done with it. I kind of had the mindset that this was going to happen every time I got stressed or something hard was going on in my world. I did not want to keep ending up in the same place over and over again. That is not the kind of forever I wanted. 

This was not at all what I wanted. Physically it was everything, but by this point the emotional cost was becoming too great. 

I struggled to just keep myself together during conference. I had stuff to do so physically it was fine, but emotionally I was unravelling at a painfully slow pace. Singing those words was like drowning in them because they felt so empty (I could not be more dramatic I know).

It got to the last night and while God had spoken to me and I'd served him "well" that week, I was almost ready to just go home. 

By a fluke I stayed and got a seat for the last worship night. 

The entire time I still had the thought that I could not do a forever if this is what it was going to be like for me. 

 

It took 4 words to completely undo me and if that's all God said the entire conference it would have been more then enough.

The songs started and I started to speak them out and it was still hard for me to believe them. 

I don't remember the exact song or moment, but I remember I was already basically crying more then I was singing. I looked around at the crowd and the band in worship and I remember God so clearly saying "This is your forever" 

It wasn’t about the lights and crowd and the hype, but the genuine love for God and being in the house of God forever serving Him. It does not seem like that much of a big deal and also probably seems obvious, but until that point I had not actually grasped it. 

My crying because it was hard to sing turned into sobbing, maybe out of thankfulness or shock or surrender. 

Because the life that I saw and did not want was not actually the life He intended for me. 

Because what He had wanted to show me was so much bigger if I'd looked to Him and not at how I felt.

 

We hear the best is yet to come on a weekly basis, if not more, but when stuff is actually really hard, do we believe that with our entire heart? 

It's not wishful thinking or being hopeful that our life will turn out ok. 

It's believing with every single part of you that God has your back and that the future He has for you is so much greater then you can ever imagine it to be. 

 

xx