Learning to be Still.

He reminds me of this everyday.

I read it often. 

I want it to become as automatic as breathing. 

I want it to be my first response in chaos and the peace amongst the storm. 

I want it to be as easy as it seems. 

As easy as it should be. 

But my thoughts are constantly stolen away, my mind always going faster then I can ever catch. 

Leaving me weary for Him. 

If for only a moment I could focus on only Him. 

For a split second he is all I can think about. 

For all of my attention to be His. 

For all of my Love, all my affection, all my adoration to be his and his alone. 

For every thought to be captivated by his Words. 

For everything I am to be His. 

To be Still and to be quiet. 

To know that as sure as the sun will rise, that he comes. 

To know better then I know myself That He is God. 

And to remain in that truth. 

A dream come true :)

It's been a day! One day! How could one person learn so much in one single day? 

Ok by this point it's been four! Cos I forgot to post this ;) 

In a single 24 hour time slot my life completely and utterly changed. 

So it turns out that you can in fact learn a lot in one day. 

Everything people said about having children is true, and I used to think they were just exaggerating. 

"Sitting in the car while my child sleeps" I thought-  As if you would do that, just get them out they will be fine. 

I now think- DO NOT MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS! I am literally doing that right now. He'd be ok to move but it's raining and I am sitting still so.. 

"No time to eat today" 

How can anyone forget that!? 

You can... More then once... More then one day in a row. 

"I can not ever just sit down" "I'm on the move all day" I thought "doesn't your child sleep or surely you can sit while they play" 

Hahahaha! Nope! Does not work like that.. They move... Like all the time... I kinda love it... But I'm tired...

"My house always looks messy" 

I thought- you should teach them to clean up after themselves or just tidy as you go.. 

Good luck and sure if you want to be cleaning all day long. 

So I judged a little before I knew and it's not like I have no experience in this area, I have been a nanny for 8 years. But at the end of the day I get to go home and be still and do what I want.. 

This is nothing like that, it's nothing like I thought it would be- it's better and harder and surreal and I cannot believe God is actually letting me do this!! 

So I learnt a lot and I'm learning a lot..like how not be in control, how not to plan every single small detail of my life. 

How to ask for help and receive help and that people have my back in this way more then I expected. I have been texting the same 2 or 3 people almost constantly asking people who are further down the journey a million questions and they have been the hugest blessing to me in this season. 

I am learning that it's ok to have no idea what's going on or what will happen next. 

It's ok if nothing looks how I think it should. 

It's ok if everything keeps changing all the time, and then changing back. 

It's ok if my house is a bomb like all the time! (And repeat until I feel ok with it) 

If I realize at 10pm that all I have eaten today is some chocolate custard and blueberries. 

It's like the same lesson God has been trying to teach me the past few months I all of a sudden have no choice but to know right now. 

Can even though I cannot plan everything or know everything or control everything. 

He completely and utterly can. 

And I have no choice but to just let Him! 

I just followed.

Sometimes the moment i find myself is so good that I think "how the heck did I get here?" 

Statistically I should not be where I am today. 

Realistically my circumstances should not have allowed for it. 

I'm not saying I have had the worst life ever, in fact I have been extremely blessed. 

But it has not been perfect or easy and when I look at it logically, this is the last place I should be. 

When there once was a time where all I could see was darkness and it looked as though that would never go away. 

It looked as though I would never get up from where I had fallen and that my life would never recover from where it had spilled out right before me. 

But now I find myself in a completely different place. 

I know I deserve none of it. 

I know nothing I could have done would have led me here. 

All I did was follow him. 

Not even that well. 

I tried to stray from Him but no where I ever found myself helped my hopelessness. 

I always ended up turning around to find Him still there. 

I always ended up needing Him. 

He never once told me it was too late, that I had used up all the Grace he had left for me. 

He never once turned me away. 

And He always waited, never forced me to trust him but remained trustworthy. 

And there is only one answer. 

How did I end up here? 

I just followed. 

Captured.

It comes most often as a quiet whisper, that somehow resounds within the noise of my mind.

His gentle voice, somehow always stronger and louder then any of the others. 

He urges me to look into his face again and again until it's the clearest thing I can see. 

Until everything else is a blur. 

I am in awe. 

I know his Love is solid and fierce, it covers every part of me. 

I become Instantly his once again, 

What once would call my attention away fades under the mist of his words. 

Each word surrounding me like fog until I see only him, I hear only his voice and I feel only his peace. 

As he captures my heart with a single word.

The answer is trust.

There is no trusting God until... 

It's not like we just trust God until we have it sorted or feel like we can handle stuff or until we are past the rough patch.. 

It's an every single day thing.. 

It's in the hard and the easy.

It's in the happy and the sad. 

It's in the good and the bad. 

We live our lives with trusting God as the first answer for every question and situation, and it needs to be not because it's the only option but because it's the best option. 

It's so easy to explain what having faith means to someone who has an amount of it.

It's almost impossible to explain why that is your go to answer for everything to someone who does not understand how to do the same, or why someone would. 

Over the past few weeks that's what I needed to do. 

I had to have someone come and assess who I was as a person and I had to be completely honest. 

Her actual job was to pick apart my life and make a judgement call based on what I told her. 

I needed to have answers to things I had never thought about. 

I had to explain situations and circumstances and how I came to be who I am today. 

I had to answer for future me as to how I would react in certain situations. 

Truth is sometimes I don't know. 

Sometimes I have no idea how God worked in a moment but I just know that he did. 

I have no idea how he will provide for me in the future, I just know that he always has and always will. 

I do not know if when something happens that I do not expect or cannot handle that I will respond in the way that I think I will now. 

I just know it will be ok. 

I don't know how I will trust God in the future or what that will look like. 

I just know that it's what I will do, because it's what has worked.

Because he doesn't fail. 

Because he has a way better idea about things then I do. 

Because he knows what will happen. 

Because he wants the best for me. 

Because he works all things for the good. 

Because he has all the answers and that means I don't need to. 

So the answer is trust. 

My response will be to trust Him. 

I don't know what that will look like In The future but I know it's not the only option I have, but it's the best option I have. 

Grace and Strength.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (II Corinthians 12:9 NKJV)

We do not like to be weak. 

We don't like it when we are not good at things. 

Often avoiding those things altogether. 

Weakness speaks of being powerless and highlights our lack. 

At best we can just try not to draw too much attention to it. 

To focus on our strengths and do more of what we are good at. 

Jesus can't always work with that. 

It seems that even though we have nothing to prove we keep trying to.

That even though we know He is enough we still do not completely rest in his sufficiency. 

The enemy always wants to throw your weakness in your face. 

He wants you to feel like your not enough. 

He wants you to keep striving in your own strength and then turn away ashamed. 

Ultimately he wants your weakness to drive you away from God. 

Jesus doesn't care about that. 

He covers your weaknesses. 

His Grace is always enough. 

I feel like this verse is here to lift the world off our shoulders when we feel like we are carrying it, even though we don't have to. 

Because if His grace is enough then it means we do not need to be. 

Because if his strength is made perfect in our weakness it mean it's ok if sometimes we are weak. 

As long as we wear His grace. 

As long as we allow his strength to cover our weaknesses. 

Thank you Isaiah!

So I said: “Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The LORD of hosts.” Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth with it, and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged.” (Isaiah 6:5-7 NKJV)

I Love Isaiah! He's one of my favorite prophets in the bible. 

I caught this verse and started reading up on him like crazy. 

He speaks of our saviour years before his arrival. 

He speaks of being cleansed. 

He speaks of being chosen. 

He speaks of being anointed by God and Jesus read verses out of his book in the temple.

But before all this there is this verse, a glimpse of his humility and humanity. Then a glimpse of Gods mercy and power and the moment the coal touches his lips he is cleansed of everything. 

Then in the very next verse God asks him who he should send, not a perfect person just someone who knew he was not worthy without Him. 

And he could have said no. 

He could have held onto his sin. 

He could have stayed in the state of unworthiness. 

But he didn't, he let the coal touch his lips. 

He said yes. 

He changed history forever!