He is Jealous for me.

I could try to explain this a thousand times and still you would not understand the wieght that these words hold for me. 

It's so simple I cannot believe I did not realize it earlier. 

The God of the universe is jealous for me, for my Love. 

Not only does he Love me, but he wants me to Love him. 

And the fact is that nobody has ever Loved me like that. 

Grace is beautiful.

I have these words going over and over in my head. 

"Grace that flows like a river washing over me" 

It speaks of being swept away. 

Even if we tried to go against the tide, it would take us. 

Cleansing us continually.

Washing away every sense of guilt.

Every thought of being unworthy. 

Every feeling of shame. 

It does not condemn us as we deserve. 

Does not accuse us or blame us. 

Though we are to blame. 

It's just a never ending flow of forgiveness that we never once earned. 

A river of living water that takes us back to Him over and over again. 

And it's beautiful. 

The forest and the field.

It's like a forest.

That you can instantly get lost within. 

Overwhelmed by the trees and darkness. 

Trying to walk but you stumble with every step. 

Always something in your path. 

The weight of guilt holding you down. 

You cannot even lift your head.

You deserve to be there anyway. 

This punishment is not even enough to make it up.

You look around but can see no light. 

You turn around and around but there is no escape. 

But this is not where you belong. 

This is not where he is. 

And all of sudden you are being lifted out. 

"No" you scream "leave me here!" 

Your not worthy nor deserving of His Grace. 

The field that you find yourself in is vast. 

It's beauty stretched as far as you can see. 

It's light all around, everywhere you turn. 

The air is clean and fresh, filling your lungs with ease. 

There is but one tree where you will go and meet him. 

Where you will rest and he will refresh. 

Where you will open your heart and he will speak into it.

Where you will be quieted to everything else and only his whisper resounds in your ears. 

Only the softness under your body. 

Room to move and space to dream.

The forest is the furthest thing from your mind. 

In the field though you do not deserve it. 

You belong there. 

In the field, in his Goodness. 

In Him. 

The Moment he says my name.

Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”). (John 20:11-16 NIV)

Every time I read this passage I can't get past the fact that all Jesus has to do is say Mary's name and she instantly knows it's him. 

I can imagine the distress she feels as she goes back to mourn for Jesus who had set her free and completely changed her life only to find that someone has taken him away.

She is beside herself and has no idea where he is, she is so upset that infact when He himself comes to ask why she is crying she does not immediately know it's Him. 

Maybe she does not even look up, maybe she cannot. 

But the moment he speaks her name she knows who he is and she is instantly comforted. 

I cannot count the number of times that my thoughts have clouded my head so much that I cannot actually focus on anything. 

If God is trying to get my attention I do not even notice. 

If I am distressed I often listen straight past whatever he is saying to me, to busy panicking about what I should do, or what will happen next. 

But the moment he says my name, not even loudly or obviously, I know it's Him and I cannot even explain how. It's like I was looking for him and he was there all along. 

What Grace looks like.

Are you ever reading about someone in the bible, a story you have probably read or heard a hundred times before and suddenly realize that it could be talking about your life? 

I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ (Luke 15:19 NIV)

I was reading and stumbled on this story about the lost son and when I got to this verse I thought "hey I do that!" 

This son asked his father to give him his share which by the way he did nothing to earn, and the father gave it. 

And without a single concern for anyone the son goes and wastes it. 

I used to be kind of annoyed and think he was being selfish. Until I realized, I do the same thing, God gives to me and I waste it. 

Later on in the story he runs out of money and is left with nothing, and when he thinks of going back to his father he surely cannot go back and be his son. 

Not after he took what he gave him and ran. 

Not after he wasted it all on pleasure and did whatever he desired. 

Not after he shamed his name. 

Surely after all this his father could never take him back.

But if he has nothing left, where else can he go? 

So his thought is to go back as a servant, surely his father will let him earn his way back. 

Isn't this how we think about things with God? I do this all the time. 

Take what He gives me and screw it up and I'm left with no where else to go. 

I cannot just go back to him, but I could go back and serve him. 

We are so often ok to serve God and do things for him, but cannot stop to just be with him. Then we wonder why we feel far away, even though we are so very close. Why we miss him and his presence even thought he has been there all along. 

That's what Grace is! 

Regardless of how badly you screw it all up. The second you come back he is waiting to take you back as a son or daughter and you don't need to do anything to earn it! 

Your love brings me to my knees.

You know when your so deep into something you couldn't get out even if you tried, it's like that with me and God sometimes, in the best way possible. 

I mean I am not trapped here and nobody is forcing me to do life this way and I cannot say that it's actually easier: 

It's just that I know too much of Him now. 

I have seen too much of what he does. 

I Love him too much now. 

I have come to the realization that I couldn't walk away from him even if I tried, and believe me I have tried. 

I litarally have nowhere else to go that even compares to what I am living in now. 

So even on my hardest day, even when I want so much just to run away. 

Even when I don't feel like it. 

Or just do not think I could go another step. 

I am on my knees before I can even turn around because I know that He found me when I had nothing. 

Breathe.

Your presence is now so empty, so cold and so thin.
Your Hatred is so strong,
I hold my breath afraid to breathe it in.
And when I can't and my lungs give way, I am forced to take a breath.
It enters like steam, thick and misty.
it suffocates, tightening around my chest.
I step into it with my light kept so very dim, it's still to bright so you get mad, I'm sorry I cannot keep it in.
I will no longer keep your secrets, I won't pretend, I will not hide.
I won't become like you, because I grew up and knew we lied.
The flaws and gaps begin to show, like a glass about to break.
You can only hold your breath for so long before you begin to faint.
Slowly they start seeping through the gaps that you have left.
there is only one persons arms that they will fall into.
By then how much would you have kept?
Whenever you fall short, thats when I miss him most,
like he filled what you did not because I let him take your place.
And just when all I want to do is close off,
I let resentment sit like a cloak that protects from your mistake.
I hear his stilling voice,
"but I told you to Love him"
He has not one ounce of Hate.
And I wonder why he spared me,
Why it's not my reality but it's still theirs and how in just A moment it can be once again mine..
I wonder why you are afraid of something that drives out all fear.
I wish you could see I am not turning my back on you.
But I am turning to where you are meant to be.
And why you won't just breath him in.