Your love brings me to my knees.

You know when your so deep into something you couldn't get out even if you tried, it's like that with me and God sometimes, in the best way possible. 

I mean I am not trapped here and nobody is forcing me to do life this way and I cannot say that it's actually easier: 

It's just that I know too much of Him now. 

I have seen too much of what he does. 

I Love him too much now. 

I have come to the realization that I couldn't walk away from him even if I tried, and believe me I have tried. 

I litarally have nowhere else to go that even compares to what I am living in now. 

So even on my hardest day, even when I want so much just to run away. 

Even when I don't feel like it. 

Or just do not think I could go another step. 

I am on my knees before I can even turn around because I know that He found me when I had nothing. 

Breathe.

Your presence is now so empty, so cold and so thin.
Your Hatred is so strong,
I hold my breath afraid to breathe it in.
And when I can't and my lungs give way, I am forced to take a breath.
It enters like steam, thick and misty.
it suffocates, tightening around my chest.
I step into it with my light kept so very dim, it's still to bright so you get mad, I'm sorry I cannot keep it in.
I will no longer keep your secrets, I won't pretend, I will not hide.
I won't become like you, because I grew up and knew we lied.
The flaws and gaps begin to show, like a glass about to break.
You can only hold your breath for so long before you begin to faint.
Slowly they start seeping through the gaps that you have left.
there is only one persons arms that they will fall into.
By then how much would you have kept?
Whenever you fall short, thats when I miss him most,
like he filled what you did not because I let him take your place.
And just when all I want to do is close off,
I let resentment sit like a cloak that protects from your mistake.
I hear his stilling voice,
"but I told you to Love him"
He has not one ounce of Hate.
And I wonder why he spared me,
Why it's not my reality but it's still theirs and how in just A moment it can be once again mine..
I wonder why you are afraid of something that drives out all fear.
I wish you could see I am not turning my back on you.
But I am turning to where you are meant to be.
And why you won't just breath him in.

Jesus.

I Love that he was the only one who could heal me without hurting me.
All my remedies had quickly become more pain.
All my easing had quickly become more hurt.

Though I could not breath a single breathe without feeling the weight of what it had become.
If I let it go all that was inside would slowly seep into the visible.

Until I woke up and saw.
That all my easing had captured me.
Made me its slave.
It would have destroyed me.

When in a single breath.
He paid for my freedom.
Rivers of living water.
The unlocking of myself.
And he had healed me.

I feel good, na na na na nah

So I've started eating heathy and working out.... Again! 

I know that this is the thousandth time I have said this.. But I think it will last. 

It all started when I went to P!NKS concert.. I watched her run around,flip in the air and fly, she was flying for goodness sakes and all while she was singing, it looked like so much fun!  I was literally blown away by her fitness level, flexibility and how great she looks. I mean I cannot even run 50 meters without getting puffed! I just kept thinking I wanna be able to do that! 

And then I got the realization that I can, well apart from the singing bit. 

God gave me this body and he has stuff for me to do on this earth, I'm going to need to be healthy to do it. Once I start doing foster care, do I want to be able to run around after a little one that has been entrusted to me? Yes! Do I want to not feel tired every moment of the day? Yes! Do I want to feel awesome about myself? Yes! 

So I took action, made a plan, got moving and actually listened to my body. I am going to be all God created me to be! That includes my health.

It's been just over a week and I feel great and in turn make an effort to look great too! 

Lifter of my head.

"When I'm lost you pursue me lift my head to see your glory, Lord of all, so beautiful" 

I Love these words and everytime I hear them I am having this same moment with God.

As a father would with his child, he is lifting my face to look at his and regardless of where I am or how I am feeling I am won over by him. 

It's like time and time again he is reminding me that he makes up for everything. 

What my life lacked as a small child I now have in abundance through him. 

And what I do not have in an earthly father I have in him ten fold and it just reminds me of how perfect and pure his love is for me. 

Dreams come true..

I am watching God make my dreams come true before my very eyes, still in awe of how he is doing it. 

At this point in my life I have absolutely no doubt of what I am meant to do with my life and why God created me.

The more I take steps towards where I believe I need to be the more I have the sense that I am called for this.  

Stage one of the process to become a foster carer is complete and I am so grateful to God for how far he has brought me. It's a long process and in some ways I am so unprepared, but that where trusting God comes in I guess. 

Now I can continue to trust him to provide everything else I need, and I know he will. 

He's good like that! 

Alabaster Flask.

I have recently applied what we have been talking about at Sisterhood "you don't know the half of it" to many of the passages I read in the word. 

This is a personal favorite of mine in the gospels, even more so because its written differently depending on where you read it. 

You know the one with the Alabaster Flask of perfume! 

It's found in Matthew 26, Mark 14 and Luke 7. 

This woman Broke all she had and poured it out on Jesus! She wept on him and kissed him! She was so venerable in that moment but she did not care.. All she cared about was giving what she had to Jesus. 

She was no afraid to be  broken in front of him, nor worried about what people would say. 

She was completely focused on him in that moment. 

I wonder what she was thinking when she payed for the perfume? Was that her plan all along? 

Is that what she had in mind?

Had she battled with herself beforehand as to whether she was worthy, or whether it was enough? Whether he would accept her? Was she good enough to be in his presence? 

Was she afraid that he would turn her away? 

What was her story that deemed her to be a sinful woman? 

And where did she go when she left? 

We know none of these details, all we know is that she broke her perfume and poured out all she had on Jesus! 

All she had.... 

What's your alabaster jar? 

All I had was my story, unfinished and broken. 

And God had everything I needed. 

Freedom. 

Once I gave him my everything, as broken as it was. That's when he changed my story and made it his, he finished it and made it whole. 

Out of my brokenness his fragrance flowed.